One Hundred Letters for James

038

038:

Interrogation

Today the police talked to me. They wanted to know if I knew any of Farah's friends. I didn't.

She looks really sad just lying there, in and out of consciousness, here yet not.

No one has come to visit her yet.

The police asked me questions like 'where were you that night' (crying alone in my bedroom)(but I didn't say that), 'has Farah ever come home bruised before' (I didn't know), and 'why didn't you realize she was gone sooner' (this I didn't answer; I just started crying and hoped they'd let me leave)(they did).

I went back to our dorm yesterday, and looked through some of her things, which I know is wrong, but at this point does it really matter?

I found a) a half eaten sandwich, b) tickets to a concert that happened yesterday (which she didn't get to see, for obvious reasons), c) a note written in angry letters. This I looked into.

We're done, Jeff. Do you not get it? You're pathetic. How can you not see that I don't want you? Just get out of my life, okay?

It was signed by her, but I guess she never sent it. I was a little shocked, reading it, because it sounded so much like you.

Isn't that horrible? I found you in a nasty note written by a girl in a coma.

The note was wrinkled and balled up and it seemed as if it had been cried on (I could tell because I've cried on a lot of paper before).

I went back to the hospital a little later, after collecting my thoughts and wiping tears from my eyes. I've cried a lot lately, most of the time over you, but by association, over how I've lost myself.

I feel like so much of me was just you, and now that you're not in my life, everything's just gone to ruins.

I'm ashamed of it, but I called Ryan yesterday. I was crying and sobbing hideously, and when he answered I told him I was sorry for being such a bitch and not really appreciating him for who he was. He grunted in response.

I hung up and promptly had a meltdown in the bathroom.

They said they were going to finish the interrogation tomorrow.

Is it bad that I wish I was in Farah's place?