One Hundred Letters for James

040

For the full """effect""" listen to fallingforyou by the 1975 while reading this.

040:

Intimacy

(The interview wasn't that bad, I guess. I'm staying in the dorm again. They said Farah's parents are being contacted.)

I saw Ryan again this week. I invited him over, and I told him I was sorry, and I didn't cry; I think I'm done crying (for now).

He hugged me, and told me it was alright, and I put my lips to his neck, and then, and then something clicked and I sprung away. He looked confused, then upset and disappointed.

"So you lied. You're not over it."

"I-"

"It'd be different if you just said no. But you keep leading me on,"

"Ryan please-"

"Kathleen." He said sternly, picking up his coat. "You're not ready. I get it. But don't keep telling yourself you are."

And I wasn't. I don't think I'll ever be ready without the figment of you haunting me. You're probably somewhere exciting, like Spain, kissing girls that are much prettier than I'll ever be, and I'm here in a muggy dorm room, one that I might never leave.

What I'm about to tell you might be shocking. It's something terrible that I'll never forgive myself for.

In the summer of Year Eleven, you got drunk pretty often.

And then one night, you showed up at my flat.

"Kath?" You'd stumbled, holding onto the wall.

"James?" I said, my eyes adjusting to the light.

"Hey," You laughed as you sat on the couch.

"What are you doing here?" I said, sitting next to you.

"I missed you."

"You saw me a few hours ago."

"So?"

"Why are you drunk?"

You laughed. "Why aren't you?"

I narrowed my eyes at you, because you knew perfectly well why not and it made me sick to see you possibly falling into the same routine as my mother. "Oh, oops." I loved you to much to let you do that to yourself, to let you walk around in a self induced haze for reasons unknown to me.

"You're gonna have such a hangover tomorrow," I sighed, standing up and bringing you a bottle of ginger ale.

"Thanks," I looked into your eyes, knowing you were thinking in there and I might never know what's going on in your thoughts and how you really felt.

You pulled out a pack of cigarettes, much to my dismay. You'd taken it up recently, and I hated it. The smoke billowed up around you and in my eyes, stinging them.

You took my hand and circled your thumb over my palm. "James."

"Mmhm?"

"What are you doing."

"Nothing." You took me into your arms, and my breath hitched as your arms wrapped around my waist. This is what I'd wanted for so long, but no no no, it was happening all wrong.

"James, please,"

"What?"

"I-" You nuzzled my neck, cutting off all brain function I had.

"I love you." You whispered into my hair, and then my arms were around your neck, and I felt horrible, but right then and there was the closure I'd needed for so long.

"Ha," I said, trying to pull away but not really wanting to. You pressed your forehead to mine, and your eyes just looked so, so inviting, and when my hands went to your chest and I felt your breathing and everything about you eased into me and I felt so much more comfortable than I ever had, and I did my best to ignore the alcohol and nicotine on your breath.

You whispered into my neck, "Kath," and my breathing just about stopped as my heart skipped.

"Mmhm," I put my hand in your hair and just felt it and tugged at it and did whatever I could to stay afloat.

"I think this is nice." You played with my hair and traced kissed along my neck, and I thought about how many times you've probably done this with other girls.

Then it happened.

Your lips found mine and everything opened up in me and I felt like your arms meant something and wow you were good at this and then something clicked and it was over and I was half way to my room and I was sweating and you were probably asleep but all I know is that you didn't remember in the morning.

I've held onto that moment for so long it's unreal. I think that I dreamed it up sometimes, but I know it's real, it changed something in me that doesn't change from a dream. It made me crazy, and I'm so crazy, crazy for you and everything you were to me, and how you didn't even really need me.

I'm sorry.