The Hard Knock Life

Part 25

"I miss him so much!" I yelled, flopping down on the couch. I had just come downstairs after putting Aaliyah in her crib.

"So why did you tell him the complete opposite?" Jessica asked from the solo couch next to me.

"I panicked, Jessica! I don't know what I want. All I know to do is push people away and that's what I did. I'm not used to people wanting to be around me and getting close to me. What does he expect me to do?"

"Succumb."

"And like, I barely know him-"

"Get to know him."

"He's going to leave me."

"You don't know that." She paused and then continued with, "stop assuming that. Look at this situation right here, right now," she said gesturing to the two of us in the room, "have I left you? I've been with you, knowing your situation and I handled your baggage and I haven't left you. And that guy, what's his name...Aiden. You guys have been friends since, what, diapers?"

"He left me-"

"No, ditz, you left him. Then that other kid. The platypus with the beautiful hair-"

"Perry..." I mumbled.

"He was there for you too am I wrong? When Aiden upset you? And what did you do?"

I broke eye contact with her and looked down at my lap.

"What did you do, Abby?" She persisted.

"I pushed him away-"

"You pushed him away. The source to your problems is you. You can't change the way people treat you- or even the way you perceive the way people treat you -until you change your perspective. And if it is them that leave you, then so what? That's their loss, hun, not yours. Graeme likes you. He genuinely likes you. So stop beating yourself up and putting yourself down for past experiences. Stop living in your past. Be optimistic for a change and step into life on a positive note, that you are surrounded by people that have love and care for you. People are going to walk out on you and that's inevitable; you have to deal with it, but I think Graeme is different. I really think this one could be a keeper."

I regretted what I said to Graeme after her lecture. How I was going to fix things was beyond me.
"I don't know what to do," I admitted.

"Apologize."

•••

One week went by and there was still no message from Graeme. He was mad at me, obviously. I figured, as I sat in my room for two hours straight, thinking about him,  that he wasn't going to message me first without any initiation on my part first. So I decided to just go for it.

Hi
I pressed send.
I expected him to answer me right away but a minute went by and there was no answer...then two...then three...then ten...then an hour...he didn't respond to me that day. At all.

•••

He still hadn't answered me after three days. So I tried again.

Hey
I pressed send.
I waited...and waited...and waited just a little bit more. I never used to double text and this was aggravating me. I knew though, that if I wanted him then I would have to fight for it.
So I waited...and waited...and waited some more. He didn't answer that day. At all.

•••

I tried again two days later. I was getting extremely restless; I didn't know what to do with myself because my days were boring. All I did was feed, study and go to school. All day everyday it was the same cycle all over again.

"Aaahhh!" I yelled, attempting to release stress. It worked a little, but it woke up Aaliyah.
"No one told you to go to sleep," I said to her, "maybe if you were already awake we wouldn't have a problem. Always sleeping..."

•••

Dammit Graeme I'm sorry okay?! I lied. I like you. I like you a lot and I miss you. Soo much and I want to see you again and I'm sorry for pushing you away and I realize now that it's not so wise. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I was scared of being neglected but in all truth I know you wouldn't do that to me because you care about me.
Can you talk to me please?
I pressed send.

If he doesn't answer me, I don't know what I'll do, I thought. Everything in me craved him more ever since he began ignoring me.

This had to work.

He didn't answer me that day. At all.
I ruined it.
Everything.