Deciding on You || a.i. (Book 2)

09 | Maddie

In the last few days, I've been trying my best to do what Michael said and come up with a list of things I want to change about myself or my life. It's a lot tougher than I thought.

While there have been many times that I wished my life would be different, most of it is escaping me now. With everything that has happened in the past year and a half, I have lost myself and my perspective on who I really am.

Tragedy has this way of drilling into you and scraping your identity away from the inside out. When it's done, it leaves you with a mere casing of who you are -- simply a face and maybe, if you're lucky, the ability to convince yourself and everyone around you that you're still normal.

I'm starting to think that my own, unique personality was long gone before I even step foot back in Ohio. Everything with Ashton and Luke only allowed me to believe that I could feel like the real Maddie Arkwright with their help, but that wasn't reality. It was only a concept, and they were only distractions.

That's why it's so easy to just gravitate toward Calum and distract myself more. Because right now, without a boy to convince me I'm a normal teenage girl -- not one with is a void inside me. I don't know what I enjoy, what makes me happy, or even what I love anymore.

So I made that the first on the list: figure out who I am again

Except I have no clue how to go about doing that at all. For now, I've just listed what I remember about my pre-Ethan self. Maybe if I do what I used to do, I'll be who I used to be, and I can feel whole again. 

If only.

But for some reason, even remembering who I was before all of this is a challenge.

I write down bury my nose in more books and dance again, but then I'm stuck. Aside from those, everything else I enjoyed doing before my sophomore year are things I simply grew out of, like making friendship bracelets and playing with dolls.

I stare ahead of me and try to think of more things to write down, but I didn't ever do much. When I wasn't dancing, I was reading, and when I wasn't reading, I was doing homework or daydreaming about Luke.

Sure, I had an affinity for abandoned things, and I still do. But in middle school, I didn't do much more than go to antique stores and look at pictures of abandoned buildings online. I didn't have a car then, and I still don't now.

"What do I do to get better, Leila?" I groan, turning to look at my dog. She is lying on my bed, and she perks her ears up at my question, but she isn't much help.

I turn back around and stare at the two real suggestions I have written down. Dance is the one thing that I miss the most, but I've lost my flexibility and muscles from ballet in the last year. I decide to write down get back in shape just for the hell of it.

But after that, I'm burnt out of ideas again. This really shouldn't be that hard. I mean, in no way am I perfect. But it's overwhelming to think of trying to change a ton of things at once.

As I'm struggling to come up with just one more thing, though, my phone starts to buzz on my desk in front of me. Thankfully, it's Michael calling to save me from my mental strain.

"Hey," I say, picking up. I start to draw flowers around my current list in hopes that that will help spark some new ideas, but as far as I'm concerned, it doesn't.

"Hey Mad," Michael says, breathless, "Look, I have to make this quick, but I thought I worked two hours later than I was actually scheduled, so I just fricken sped here. Can you get a ride from anyone else?" 

"Yeah, I think so," I say.

The first person that comes to mind is Ashton, but I shake that thought away faster than it came. I need to focus on myself, somehow.