Deciding on You || a.i. (Book 2)

29 | Maddie

It shouldn't hurt this badly.

He barely even touched me, and he could've done so much worse. Yet I feel disgusting, and all I can think about is the things he's done and the things he could still do. I want to rip my skin off and flush it down the drain. I want to scrape out every part of my brain that holds any memory of him.

I just want it gone. I want it to not hurt.

It's been almost a year and a half, and it still won't stop hurting. Sometimes I can hide it, but seeing him again made everything harder. Having him touch me with his filthy hands certainly does nothing to cleanse the marks he's left.

And I can't do anything about it. Slicing through my skin never gives me the escape I desperately need, and killing myself will only pass my hurt and anger onto everyone else. I can't even tell Ashton, because he'd get himself in trouble, and Ethan is too wealthy to mess with.

I can't talk to anyone, because all they can do is worry and watch while I try and fix myself. They can't do anything about it, either. I'm just stuck with a constant weight on my brain and no way to lift it.

"Hey," Reagan rolls down her window and sticks her head out. Her hair is now pink, just like Michael, who is sitting beside her in the passenger seat. "You doing okay?"

She didn't beep excessively like usual; everyone has been incredibly careful with me since the recital.

As much as I've been putting on a tough face, she probably thinks a sound like that will shatter me. My dad insists on escorting me almost everywhere, and Cooper has no problem being his stand-in at school. Michael hasn't made a single playful jab at me.

The only person who believes my act is Ashton, but he's the only one who really has to.

"Yeah," I nod, sliding into her backseat, "Just didn't want to be alone tonight."

"Where's Ashton?" Michael asks. Reagan clears her throat as she backs out, and he turns to me. "I mean, it's fine that you're coming with us, I just--"

"He's at work," I lie. I love Ashton for believing that I could get better so fast, but I can't pretend tonight. I can't push Ethan aside and focus on everything I adore about Ashton, just to keep both of our emotions in line. Just. Not today.

I'm afraid the second one of us breaks is the second the other does.

"Well, at least I won't be the only one who hates parties there," Michael gives me a crooked smile before turning back around. I widen my eyes and meet Reagan's in the rear view mirror.

"It's not a party!" She sits up more so she can look at me better. I open my mouth to object, but she turns to Michael. "It's not a party, Mikey. It's just some of my friends, in one of their dorms."

Michael sits back in his seat and covers his face with his hands. He lets out a small squeak, whining, and runs his hands down to his cheeks. Reagan giggles and reaches out to pat his leg.

"Well, college just equals party to me," he says, "And I forgot to mention that all social functions give me rashes."

"Right, and the sun," she smiles. I bite my lip and look down at my phone, scrolling mindlessly. Ashton's not at work, but he may as well be since he's not texting me back. "And lactose."

"And roller coasters, loud, screamy music, and bugs," he says, his face insistent. He puts his dirty converse up on her dashboard, and she lets them rest there. "All of them. Even butterflies."