Deciding on You || a.i. (Book 2)

15 | Maddie

Suffering isn't an eloquent poem, no matter how much I wish it was. I can't be compared to a lovely, wilted flower or a pack of cigarettes burning to the end. Nothing about what I feel is romantic, and I don't sit in rose-colored bath water just to stare at the ceiling all day.

My affliction doesn't disappear entirely just because a boy makes my heart beat a little faster, either.

Instead, experiencing pain is like constantly walking through a drained pool. Most of the time, I feel absolutely nothing at all as I trudge across the concrete until a heavy rain hits. Then, it crashes over my body in sharp waves, floods my being one inch at a time, and drowns me if I'm not careful.

I'm almost never careful, and that's not beautiful. Physical or emotional, I always let my pain drown me.

When I was 12, I got my first pair of pointe shoes. The second I got up on my toes in them, though, I dropped back down and sprained my ankle. I knew I was injured as soon as I fell and a sharp ache shot up my left leg.

I didn't want to look foolish, though. Not when I just got fitted for these shoes. So I got back up, and I danced. I thought if I just ignore the injury and dance on top of it, it'll go away. Instead, I sprained it several more times until I had to get surgery and couldn't dance for a month.

No matter what, all I do is look away. I ignore the downpour of pain that is washing over me, and I look toward something, anything other than the waves. If I pay no mind to it, it won't bother me. But in reality, jumping right back up and ignoring it is the one thing that makes it worse.

I have to stop ignoring the storm and get out of the pool. It's time I start tending to my wounds.

"Mad," Ashton sits up straight as soon as I take my seat beside him in Chemistry. Calum looks up at me from his spot at the front of the room, and I hold my breath as I stare down at my textbook. "Hey."

"Hi," I say, reaching down into my backpack and grabbing my notebook and a pen as slowly as I can without it being weird.

Today, I am going focus on myself and my school work. I am going to focus so much that Ashton and Calum don't even attempt to talk to me because they can tell that I am so interested in learning about chemical reactions.

"Can we talk?" Ashton asks as the bell rings, "Like, after school? We could go to--"

What I really want, now that I'm in too deep with the both of them, is for everyone to leave me alone. I can't just get back with Ashton right now, no matter how much I love him, and I can't use Calum just to forget about my feelings for Ashton.

Both of those options constitute ignoring my waves of emotional pain.

"Ash, I'm glad you didn't die from alcohol poisoning," I say, opening my notebook as our teacher begins her lecture. He watches me, hanging on my every word, "But I'm busy today."

That's the best I've got right now. His shoulders slump and he glances over at Calum before he looks back at me and nods. Silently, he pulls out his own, tattered notebook and has an evident frown on his face as he takes notes.

This lasts for a good twenty minutes. I try to keep my attention on writing down the powerpoint slides word for word, but it's hard to focus with Ashton sitting right next to me. His sadness and jealousy radiates off of him and makes my stress that much worse.

"How about tomorrow?" he whispers while I write, looking at me hopefully.

"I've got something," I lie again.