Deciding on You || a.i. (Book 2)

21 | Maddie

EXTREME TRIGGER WARNING: RAPE -- This is the most vividly I have described a nightmare/flashback so please, please read at your own risk. If you need to, I have bolded the first word of where you should start if you think the beginning will trigger you.

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My medication has helped to tone the nightmares down, make them less vivid, and, some nights, even make them stop completely. But no medication can make the pain entirely disappear, and sometimes what's left seeps back into the subconscious.

I awake in a cold sweat and immediately start heaving. For a long moment, I can't tell the difference between what's really in front of me and the flashback that is still going on in my head despite opening my eyes.

The complete and utter fear that I experienced on that night and the many nights following it is back again.

I can still feel the weight of him on top of me, the tightness of his hand around my neck, and the searing pain of him pushing inside of me. The taste of my tears and his saliva are still on my tongue. I can hear him whisper to me see? It's not so bad, and it echos over and over. His hands move from my neck to my chest as I try to thrash around and he pushes me back down on his bed.

He pushes down hard, and I think I let out a scream or maybe just a whimper. I can't be sure.

In and out, the darkness of the room replaces the darkness of his eyes, and my dog's snoring replaces all of his whispering. I break into sobs, willing it to stop entirely so I can go back to sleep.

"Maddie, what is going on?" I can hear Cooper ask sleepily. He turns on his bedside light and it helps. A little.

After throwing up on the bathroom floor last night, he insisted that I stay in his room again. I was angry then, but now I couldn't be more grateful to have him beside me to stop this. Hearing Ethan's voice again triggered something bad.

I hyperventilate and try in vain to get my breathing under control. Cooper reaches out to his side quickly to put his glasses on. He looks from me, to my pillow, and back to me again.

"Your nose is bleeding," he reaches out, but I flinch away from him, and he drops his hand. "Sorry."

I turn to look down at my pillow, blinking until my vision is clear enough. On my purple pillow case are several drops of blood, and another one falls down onto it. God, not again.

My blood pressure must be through the roof, higher than it's been in a long time. My heart rate certainly is, and my breathing refuses to slow. Everything is back to being as bad as it was right after the trauma.

Domino effect.

Cooper gets up and runs to the bathroom to grab me toilet paper to stop the blood with. I take it from him with wide, wet eyes and wipe the mixture of blood and snot from my nose before balling the paper up and holding it there.

At least, now, things are starting to feel clearer. I'm seeing what's real.

"Uh, um," he stammers. He's right; he can't do this on his own. "Do you want me to make you some tea, or, um, something?"

"Tea?" I nearly screech through my tears and the toilet paper. He nods, biting his lip. Through heaves, I say, "I can...barely breathe, let...alone drink."

"What do you want me to do here, Maddie?" he asks, worry lines forming on his forehead. "I have no clue what to do, just tell me what to do."

I can feel myself rocking back and forth, but I have no control over it. He's staring at me, waiting for an answer, and I just want to cover my face and panic in peace.