diary of me.

March 8th 9:50 am

~secrets p.o.v~
You ask if I'm okay? I'm gunna lie and say yes because No I'm not okay. I'm sick of acting fine when I'm actually not all these fake stupid smiles. I'm numb. I cut everyone out so I don't get hurt and from that when I do get hurt I don't know how to handle it. I'm so depressed I don't even know how to describe it. When I say I'm okay I don't mean it, I do it so we don't have to talk about my issues. I don't need to be reminded that I push people away, or over react, or that I'm a nothing and that I don't deserve to live any more no deserves to feel the way I do and I just ugh I don't know what to say I'm so used to being walked out on at this point I'm seriously let you leave with no strings attach I won't hold it again you I'll forgive you super quick cause I hate conflict. I guess this is what I'm going to live with in my life. Depression. The words are real So are the scars The hurt The pain It's all real  Cutting is my escape and way to cape I promise I'm done But I lied I'm not done I continue to harm myself Then your all mad at me That when I stop eating instead of cutting Your all mad at me still Would you rather have scares or anorexic Either way I could die So don't blame me fore the words you say to me This is all your fault the mean words you say I can never exactly explain my pain So I'm confused A lot about a lot of things you don't even know how much you hurt me with the fact I won't ever be enough to for you. I'm dizzy a lot I feel pain more than you would believe I'm alone a lot Well I feel alone but I'm actually not Not many people care anymore How can it be going from a bunch of people To barley any by my side anymore  I super dizzy and it sends chills down my spine No one understands anymore I feel like throwing up. I used to fear depression. Now look in the mirror and want to smash into pieces. I put on fake smiles I have no confidence, no one likes me, and I hate this place. Now I know why I feared it.  People who die of suicide don't want to end their lives they want to end their pain. When the best part of your day is to be asleep. Cause nothing can hurt you when your asleep.
Sometimes I get so sad so sad that in fact I completely shut down. I stare blankly at the
the wall and it doesn't matter what you say to me because in that moment I don't exist.
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Total words: 495