diary of me.

March 30th 10:06 pm

~secrets p.o.v~
I wrote this on 3/20/16

I cut my stomach It bleeds in one spot Instead of making more I make it deeper Along with cutting I starve myself because I'm never satisfied with myself I'm never enough Never will be and never was I feel pain everyday Today And tomorrow I still feel the same pain I cut my stomach to make me happy  Don't be mad People think depression is sadness. People think depression is crying. People think depression is dressing in black. But people are wrong. Depression is the constant feeling of being numb. Being numb to emotions, being numb to lie. You wake up in the morning just to go back to bed again. Days aren't really days; they are just annoying obstacles that need to be faced. And how do you face them? Through medication, through drinking, through smoking, through drugs, through cutting. When you're depressed, you grasp on to anything that can get through the day. That's what depression is, not sadness or tears, it's the overwhelming sense of numbness and the desire for anything that can help you make it from one day to the next. I'm so broken that I can feel it. I mean, physically feel it. This is so much more than being sad now. This is affecting my whole body. Depression is darkness filling your heart, surrounding your soul. Everything takes so much energy. People around you don't understand, you're doing the best you can Responsibilities overwhelm, expectations you can't meet weigh heavily, Sorrow fills you until there is no room for anything else. Strength to fight, to find joy and love, slowly seeps from your soul. Endless days without hope loom before you, enveloping you in the darkness. Depression is hard to explain. But I'll try anyway. You see. It's like a disease. It tears you a part. The activities you loved doing like video games, sports, watch youtubers, designing things, draw. It doesn't matter. You can't find any joy in it anymore. You don't smile much because there isn't a reason to you think. It doesn't matter how good you have it. Depression makes everything worthless and hopeless. It can make you do many things. Some people are cured from the disease, to others it can be lethal. It's sad isn't it? You ask if I'm okay? I'm gunna lie and say yes because No I'm not okay. I'm sick of acting fine when I'm actually not all these fake stupid smiles. I'm numb. I cut everyone out so I don't get hurt and from that when I do get hurt I don't know how to handle it. I'm so depressed I don't even know how to describe it. When I say I'm okay I don't mean it, I do it so we don't have to talk about my issues. I don't need to be reminded that I push people away, or over react, or that I'm a nothing and that I don't deserve to live any more no deserves to feel the way I do and I just ugh I don't know what to say I'm so used to being walked out on at this point I'm seriously let you leave with no strings attach I won't hold it again you I'll forgive you super quick cause I hate conflict. I guess this is what I'm going to live with in my life. Depression. The words are real So are the scars The hurt The pain It's all real  Cutting is my escape and way to cape I promise I'm done But I lied I'm not done I continue to harm myself Then your all mad at me That when I stop eating instead of cutting Your all mad at me still Would you rather have scares or anorexic Either way I could die So don't blame me fore the words you say to me This is all your fault the mean words you say I can never exactly explain my pain So I'm confused A lot about a lot of things you don't even know how much you hurt me with the fact I won't ever be enough to for you. I'm dizzy a lot I feel pain more than you would believe I'm alone a lot Well I feel alone but I'm actually not Not many people care anymore How can it be going from a bunch of people To barley any by my side anymore  I super dizzy and it sends chills down my spine No one understands anymore I feel like throwing up. I used to fear depression. Now look in the mirror and want to smash into pieces. I put on fake smiles I have no confidence, no one likes me, and I hate this place. Now I know why I feared it.  People who die of suicide don't want to end their lives they want to end their pain. When the best part of your day is to be asleep. Cause nothing can hurt you when your asleep.Sometimes I get so sad so sad that in fact I completely shut down. I stare blankly at the wall and it doesn't matter what you say to me because in that moment I don't exist. My parents keep saying i am starving myself then everytime i look at a wall i am in a complete different that makes me want to cry then i dont want to go to school and be bullied i guess everything is makeing me want to die then my dad keeps saying depression is a side affect of a teenager but that is not the truth it is because of the world around us it is a side affect of living.

Sincerely
{secret xo}