diary of me.

March 27th 11:23

~ secrets p.o.v~
I feel like relapsing yes I know it sounds stupid and you might not know what it means but relapsing basically means I'm thinking about self harming again or taking pills. Like a lot of my friends are becoming depressed and I hate it cause I'm always the depressed one and now I don't know want to say to them.
I feel bad why?
Because I don't wish depression on any one and I mean ANYONE even if I hate them I don't with it on them cause it sucks.

What I'm thinking:
ople around you don't understand, you're doing the best you can Responsibilities overwhelm, expectations you can't meet weigh heavily, Sorrow fills you until there is no room for anything else. Strength to fight, to find joy and love, slowly seeps from your soul. Endless days without hope loom before you, enveloping you in the darkness. Depression is hard to explain. But I'll try anyway. You see. It's like a disease. It tears you a part. The activities you loved doing like video games, sports, watch youtubers, designing things, draw. It doesn't matter. You can't find any joy in it anymore. You don't smile much because there isn't a reason to you think. It doesn't matter how good you have it. Depression makes everything worthless and hopeless. It can make you do many things. Some people are cured from the disease, to others it can be lethal. It's sad isn't it? You ask if I'm okay? I'm gunna lie and say yes because No I'm not okay. I'm sick of acting fine when I'm actually not all these fake stupid smiles. I'm numb. I cut everyone out so I don't get hurt and from that when I do get hurt I don't know how to handle it. I'm so depressed I don't even know how to describe it. When I say I'm okay I don't mean it, I do it so we don't have to talk about my issues. I don't need to be reminded that I push people away, or over react, or that I'm a nothing and that I don't deserve to live any more no deserves to feel the way I do and I just ugh I don't know what to say I'm so used to being walked out on at this point I'm seriously let you leave with no strings attach I won't hold it again you I'll forgive you super quick cause I hate conflict. I guess this is what I'm going to live with in my life. Depression. The words are real So are the scars The hurt The pain It's all real  Cutting is my escape and way to cape I promise I'm done But I lied I'm not done I continue to harm myself Then your all mad at me That when I stop eating instead of cutting Your all mad at me still Would you rather have scares or anorexic Either way I could die So don't blame me fore the words you say to me This is all your fault the mean words you say I can never exactly explain my pain So I'm confused A lot about a lot of things you don't even know how much you hurt me with the fact I won't ever be enough to for you. I'm dizzy a lot I feel pain more than you would believe I'm alone a lot Well I feel alone but I'm actually not Not many people care anymore How can it be going from a bunch of people To barley any by my side anymore  I super dizzy and it sends chills down my spine No one understands anymore I feel like throwing up. I used to fear depression. Now look in the mirror and want to smash into pieces. I put on fake smiles I have no confidence, no one likes me, and I hate this place. Now I know why I feared it.  People who die of suicide don't want to end their lives they want to end their pain. When the best part of your day is to be asleep. Cause nothing can hurt you when your asleep.Sometimes I get so sad so sad that in fact I completely shut down. I stare blankly at the wall and it doesn't matter what you say to me because in that moment I don't exist.

What made me depressed in the first place?
Well the start of being hit and being so easy to get hurt and letting people in a lot and the ability to trust so easily. I was so fucking brain washed with happiness at first I never knew the bad things that existed in this world.

The truth:
The truth is I have cut myself a lot and I mean a lot look at my arms their covered in scars and it's my life I can be blamed for cutting myself it's the way I fought my demons and the way I fought my battles trying to win. I've stopped cutting now but I'm thinking about it but my mom threatened to send me to pine rest if I cut again. She doesn't know I've tried to kill myself a lot but I have tbh.

What life means to me:
Life means to me? A shit hole
It's were we all are just little dolls that people play with and can control really easy. I sometimes hate life but with him by my side to support me and help me I'm living and it's great.

                           ~sincerely
                                          Secret xoxo
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