The Fault In Our Stars, Pastiche, Chapter 20, Isaac's point of view.

pastiche

What sucks the most about being blind is people thinking you can't do anything alone anymore. I understand why Gus went alone to the gas station. He wanted to do something alone one more time. He didn't want to feel powerless over his life. When you let people take care of you, it feels like you are letting the cancer take over you, and you can't do that.

I was siting alone on my bed, with my mom just outside the door waiting for the moment where I'll need her. Although she knows I'll never admit that I'll need her help and call for her. The good thing about having lived in the same house, and same city for my whole life is that I know every inch of the city by heart which means I can walk in my house easily and I always kind of know where I am in the city.

When Gus called around five thirty P.M, I was still siting on my bed playing video games. Thats what I was left to do with my life. Without my best friend, or my eyes I was nothing.

"Hey, who's calling?" I asked, because my phone doesn't say the name of the person calling yet.

"Hi, it's Augustus, could you come to the heart of Jesus with your Eulogy? I want to see my own funeral incase I can't see it from wherever I'll be when I die."

"Ummm, yeah sure." I answered.

I took my eulogy on my desk where I had put it a few days earlier when I finished writing it. Now I had to make sure everything was clean in my room so that I didn't trip and could find everything easily.

"Mom, can you drive me to support group?"

"Is everything ok?"

"Yeah, I have to meet Gus there."

"ok, yeah, sure. Do you need to leave now?"

"yeah"

My mom guided me to the car, I hated that she had to do that. She acted as if I was a baby, I was blind not stupid. Gus asked Hazel and I to eulogize him. He's always had wild and insane ideas and I wanted to make him have the best possible last days possible. I didn't know how long he had left, I hoped there was still a bit of time.

I was stood behind a little wooden lectern, Gus brought me here, back were he met Hazel, in the literal heart of Jesus.

Hazel arrived a few minutes after me, I heard her rush to Augustus. They whispered a few things I didn't hear, probably that they loved each other. I may have acted like I didn't really mind them passing so much time together but all the time they were together is the time me and Gus used to have together. I didn't want them to know how I feel, I didn't want to ruin Gus's last days, and he was happy with her, I wouldn't have wanted to ruin them or our friendship in his last days.

Hazel and Gus talked whilst I was waiting standing alone behind my counter not knowing what was going on. I didn't want to feel like that about them, I made them meet each other. Hazel was a really nice girl and I should have been happy that they were together but I just couldn't push away the feeling that she was stealing my time with him.

"Anyway, I know it's a bit self-aggrandizing." Gus said in his usually confident voice.

"Hey, you're stealing my eulogy," I said. "My first bit is about how you were a self-aggrandizing bastard."

"Okay, okay," Gus said. "At your leisure."

I cleared my throat and started reading my eulogy.

"Augustus Waters was a self-aggrandizing bastard. But we forgive him. We forgive him not because he had a heart as figuratively good as his literal one sucked, or because he knew more about how to hold a cigarette than any nonsmoker in history, or because he got eighteen years when he should have gotten more."

"Seventeen," Gus corrected.

"I'm assuming you've got some time, you interrupting bastard. I'm telling you, Augustus Waters talked so much that he'd interrupt you at his own funeral. And he was pretentious: Sweet Jesus Christ, that kid never took a piss without pondering the abundant metaphorical resonances of human waste production. And he was vain: I do not believe I have ever met a more physically attractive person who was more acutely aware of his own physical attractiveness. But I will say this: When the scientists of the future show up at my house with robot eyes and they tell me to try them on, I will tell the scientists to screw off, because I do not want to see a world without him. And then, having made my rhetorical point, I will put my robot eyes on, because I mean, with robot eyes you can probably see through girls' shirts and stuff. Augustus, my friend, Godspeed."

I put my thumb up in to show that I was finished and after a few seconds, Gus said that it was good but I should take off the part about seeing through girls shirts. Thats when I really started to cry, of course he was editing his own eulogy, it was Gus. I pressed my forehead down on the podium, I couldn't stand to think of him not being here anymore. I would never be able to hear his voice again, I would even miss hearing him and Hazel kissing. He was my brother and without him I'd be lost.