2:56 :: h.s

vingt sept

23:46

I open my eyes and look at the clock.
I feel asleep around four.
After I sat in my bed and sulked for an hour, I ordered Chinese food and watched a few movies.

It was so boring.

The movies sucked and the Chinese food was gross.
I feel like my pessimistic attitude is coming from the lack of ironic warmth I get from a girl whose body temperature is below freezing.

I take a deep breath and sit up in my bed.
My door is cracked open, probably because my mom came in and checked on me.
The window is now closed, also probably because of my mom.
I look at my nightstand for my phone, but it's not there.
I then turn to look on my bed and pat around a bit.
My hand hits my bed and I hear a crunch.

I furrow my eyebrows and pat around the space again.
I move my blankets and see a sheet of paper.
I pick it up and unfold it.

Oh my god.

It's a letter from Rae.
My heart begins to race as I realize she was here.
I know she writes in my English notebook any chance she gets.
This is the only place she can get paper and a pen.
I shake out of my thoughts and begin to read.

Harry,
I needed time to think. Please don't think that I left you or was going to leave you. I just needed some time. I felt so worthless after we kissed and you didn't say anything. I poured everything that was left of my heart out on the table and you just stood there. You didn't even try to stop me. I felt like you didn't want me or that you didn't care. I had to think before I came back to talk everything through. It meant something to me, as it did you. I just wish I could have felt it. I feel like I'm beating a dead horse by saying that so much. I'm sorry. You're right, this is messed up. I'm willing to work through this if you are, but I'm horrified about the inevitable. I don't want to lose you and that's why I'm trying to distance myself. I'm trying to be prepared for when you leave and I'm left alone. I've missed you so much these past few weeks and if I wasn't already dead, I swear it'd be killing me. I was such an idiot for saying that this relationship was nothing without something physical. It was so selfish. I forgot that you could still feel and after reading your letter, I realized something. This isn't going to make any sense, but I'd rather hug you, and kiss you, and hold you, and have you feel me if that makes you happy. Because when you're happy, I'm happy. I'm still terrified of being near you for too long. Whenever we hung out, you'd put four layers of clothes on, and sometimes an additional blanket. I don't want to hurt you, that is the last thing I want to do. I know you say it doesn't bother you and that it comforts you, but everyone has their limits and I don't want to push yours. When I read about your ex-girlfriend, I nearly lost it. I wanted to find you, and scream at you, and tell you how fucking angry I was at you. But then I realized that I'm not in control of you, that you're living and have desires that I can't satisfy. I crushed that letter in between my hands so many times while reading it and immediately regretted it each time. It's folded in my shirt pocket right now. Your prayers weren't answered, and I'm sorry. My friends told me they loved me and they wouldn't know what they'd do if they lost me. I went to all of their houses last week to see them and how they were. They acted as if nothing had happened and everything was fine. I had to remind myself that it had been a year and that they have lives to carry out. If anything, I'm the one who doesn't deserve to have you. You accepted this insane situation I threw at you, and you handled it so well. I can't thank you enough for everything you've done for me. You helped me save my sanity and I owe it to you. I'm home, Harry. I never left. Please don't think I'm going to leave you, because I won't. You mean too much to me. I didn't mean for this to be so long, I guess I had more to say than I expected. I'll be back soon.
Yours truly,
Rae