2:56 :: h.s

cinquante

{ Trigger Warning }

2:00

I haven't slept.

After I told Rae I couldn't let her go, she made me leave so she could think.

That must be awful.
Only being able to feel things through your brain.

If she had nerves, she would get insane migraines.

She told me to let her go and here I am, feeling sorry for her when she brought this upon herself.

My head has been hurting since she told me to leave.

The amount of pain that I've been feeling is incomparable.
I fell in love with her.
And she's dead.

If I'm not mistaken, people don't just fall in love with the dead.
Yeah, it's legal to marry a dead person in France but I mean, come on.

If she would have told Ryan that she was still here, he wouldn't have taken her into his arms and let her take his life away.
He probably would have thought it was a dream and God's way to tell him that she was still here.
He would have told her to leave and go to Heaven.

Fucking Christian boys.

I haven't changed my clothes.
I haven't eaten anything.
I haven't talked to anyone.

I have sat on my bed.
I have bounced my leg.
I have tugged at my hair.
I have cried.

Why did I do this?
Why did I fall in love with her?

Whoever said, "you can't help who you fall in love with," really pisses me off.

I have to let her go.
She has to move on.
It will make her happy.

But how do I do that?
I can't let go of her.
I love her.

". . . I'm basically stuck here until you let go of me or until you die!" Rae said to me.

. . . or until you die.
. . . or until you die.
. . . or until you die.

I jump from my bed and head to the bathroom.

My mom has to have elavil around here somewhere.
After my father cheated on her, she became clinically depressed.

I open the medicine cabinet and rummage through its contents.
I pick up almost every orange bottle until I see one with my mother's name printed clearly on the canister.
I observe the label and see antidepressant written on the side.

Bingo.

I take the bottle and walk to the kitchen for a glass of water.

My hands are shaky and my breathing is ragged.
Tears are streaming down my face and I begin to sweat.

I nearly trip as I walk back to my room.
I don't look toward my mom's bedroom, I don't want to think about her, right now.

I set the glass on my nightstand and struggle with the bottle.
The lid finally pops off and I dump the pills in my hand.
I take them two at a time until my hand is empty.

I take a deep breath and lay back on my bed.
I blink the tears away and run my fingers through my hair.

It will make her happy.

I close my eyes.

Sometime later, I hear the window slide open.
I feel the bed dip down.

"Oh my God," I hear faintly.

"Harry," she's panicking, "Harry!"

I feel the bed rise and hear footsteps against the wood floor.
I hear the bottle fall against my nightstand.

"Harry, no! No! Oh my God," I can imagine her pulling her hair.

"Harry, wake up! Please, wake up! Harry!" She shakes my body but her touch isn't as prominent as it once was.

"Harry!" She shouts again but her voice is softer than normal. "I didn't mean for this to happen! Please, Harry, wake up!" Her hands grab my face and shake it softly, "I didn't want you to die, I wanted you to leave me and move on with your life! Oh my God."

My breathing slows.

I feel her hand grab mine.
She brings it to her lips and kisses my knuckles repeatedly.

"I love you. God, I love you so much. Please don't leave me. Please," she sobs.

She kisses my knuckles again and presses my hand against her face.
She shakes her head.

"We're like the modern day Romeo and Juliet," a sad laugh breaks through her panic.

"I love you," her voice is so quiet that I can't tell if it was her or my mind.

Then, nothing.

It's dark.
Very dark.

Where am I?

I attempt to open my eyes, but nothing happens.

I feel something around me.
I am somewhere.
I can sense emotions floating through the air.

There is a light from above me.
It illuminates the image in front of me.

I see Rae.
My beautiful, angelic Rae.

And I see myself.
On a bed.

I'm dead.

I attempt to take a breath but hear something crack.

Rae's head lifts from my body's hand.
I step from the corner of my room and toward her.
She stands over my body and leans down.
Her lips press a soft kiss to my forehead.

I step closer to her.

Her being stands up quickly.
Her head snaps over to me.
Her jaw drops.
Her eyes are full of horror.

My fingers reach out for her.

Her eyes flash to my hand then to my eyes.

I see her lips move but I can't hear the words that leave.

Just as I'm about to touch her, she's gone.

As if she was never stuck in the in between.
As if she never existed at all.

I look around my room.
The heater is on, but I can't feel it.

I look at my hand.
It's paper white and my veins are a lighter purple than hers were.

I look at the door.
My mother will walk through there and see my body.

I look at the clock.
2:56.