2:56 :: h.s

quinze

15:17

In the middle of the movie, I went to check on Rae's clothes and they weren't dry.
I threw them in the dryer and finished the movie.
By the time it was over, her clothes were dry and I was half asleep.
I shuffled to the dryer to get her clothes and she changed.
Before she left, she gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and I perked up.
I couldn't sleep.

I am sitting in my kitchen now, waiting for this guy I met, called Ryan, to show up.
He's supposed to help me on a physics assignment but I don't think he knows what he's doing either.
He's an alright guy.
He's funny and nice, so I don't see any reason not to like him.

I hear a knock on my front door and get up to answer it.
There's the man of the hour.

"Sup," he says.

"Hey, come in," I open the door wider.

Ryan steps in and I lead him into the kitchen.

::

17:12

I look at the clock when we're finally done.

"Well, that didn't take too long," Ryan jokes.

I chuckle, "I know right?"

"I didn't know you lived here." He says and looks around.

He must have known Rae. "Yeah, you knew her?"

He half smiles. "She was my girlfriend."

Suddenly I feel envy seep into my chest.
I know it's wrong to feel that way, but I can't help it.
He got to have Rae while she was living and breathing, not now when she's cold and dead.
I need to stop thinking like this.
This guy's girlfriend committed suicide and I'm sure he doesn't even know why.

"Oh, I'm sorry, man."

He shrugs, "it's alright. I just wish I knew why, you know? She always seemed so happy and excited to get out of high school. She always planned on moving to Seattle and being a journalist. I don't get it."

If he starts crying, I don't know what I'll do.

"Did you ever read her note?"

"Yeah, but it didn't say anything really. It just said that she felt like there was something better than this and that everyone would be happier without her. That was the furthest thing from the truth. The entire school went into a depression and some of her teachers just kind of gave up trying to be happy. This town is small enough that everyone knows everyone, so it affected a lot of people."

I nod along as he explains. "What would you tell her if you saw her again?"

He takes a deep breath and thinks for a moment. "That we aren't happier. That I love her and that everyone here wants her back. But it doesn't matter because I never will see her again, and I think that's what hurts the most. I'll never be able to hold her and see her smile again."

I want to tell him so badly that she's still here.
But I can't do that.
It would probably freak him out and he'd think I was insane.

"I'm sorry, again. I'm sure she was an amazing person."

"She was. And I hope that wherever she is, she's still amazing and lovely."

She is, she really is.

We stay silent for a bit.
Ryan excuses himself and heads out.
He tells me that he'll see me in class and I bid him a goodbye.

I walk into my room and nearly have a heart attack.
Rae is standing on my bed, looking out the window, watching Ryan leave.
Her face holds a concerned expression, and she stands flat-footed once his car drives off.
Her head is hanging low and I wonder how long she's been here.

"I saw his car pull up," she says, reading my mind.

I swallow, "yeah?"

"He never told me he loved me."

"So you heard him talking to me, then?"

She nods.

"Are you mad?"

She looks back at me and climbs off my bed. "No. It's just weird to hear him say that he loves me because he never said it while I was alive."

"Maybe he wanted to?"

"Maybe he feels guilty?"

I furrow my eyebrows, "why would he feel guilty?"

"He told me that my depression wasn't real, and that it was just something people tell themselves they have to hide their negative attitudes."

I look at her as if she'd gone mad.

"Fucked up, I know. Other than that, he was an amazing person. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss him, too."

The jealousy returns and I find myself getting angry.

"Maybe you should go tell him you're still here, then." I say rudely.

She raises an eyebrow, "excuse me? Do you think I'm crazy? And lose the attitude. You don't know what it's like to be taken away from someone you care about. And on top of that, being so close to them but not letting them see you because if they did, they'd lose their minds. So you have no room to get pissed off here."

Somehow all of this makes sense.
Heat leaving its place to warm the cold.
Pigmented arms contrasting with porcelain skin.
Emotions battling with physical touch.
Life arguing with death.
It all seems normal.