Never Let This Go (Michael Clifford)

Ch. 14 - "Hey, Stranger"

2 years later

"Yes sir, I understand."

I'm speaking to the CEO of the company I work for. He's telling me that I didn't get the VP position. That job would have meant easier hours and better pay. But no, I'm stuck as the logistics manager which I've been for five years and fucking counting, obviously.

I feel myself wandering into my dark place. No, no, no...one year sober. No need to fuck that up again.

After Michael and I broke it off, I crashed and burned. 

I, of course, didn't admit I had a problem until the night I almost destroyed the relationship that meant the most to me.

flashback:

Stumbling inside the apartment, I can't see shit. It's fucking dark. I hit something and I yelp. Fuck, that hurt. I try to get up but my head is spinning. The lights turn on and I groan. "Fuck, turn it off."

"What the hell, Eliana?" I hear Alexis but I can't seem to pinpoint her location because there are like a million of her. God, I'm drunk. I feel her hand on my shoulder trying to steady me.

"I'm going to call you back, babe," I hear her say.

I move away from her hold. 

"No, don't stop talking to him because of me. Go talk to him, with your healthy, normal ass relationship." I say with a bit too much attitude. 

"Eliana, shut up." I hear her sigh.

"No, why the fuck does it work for you but not me? What makes you better?" I'm practically screaming at her now. I hate her for having it all figured out. 

"We've had this conversation Eliana I'm fucking tired of it. Stop being hateful."

"I'm just wondering. We live in the same damn place and somehow, you make it work. Maybe it's 'cause...."

"Don't even think about saying it... Maybe it's because you give up too damn easily. He called you, Eliana! He fucking called for a week straight but no you were hitting the bottom of every bottle you could find. I don't feel sorry for you anymore. You do this shit to yourself. Nobody else. Stop being a fucking child and grow up. Get your shit together or I'm out. Then who the fuck is going to pick you up from your drunken stupor? No one!"

The next day, I checked myself into rehab and now I'm a year sober. But that didn't happen overnight; I relapsed a couple of times, but now I can say I'm on the road to recovery. 

At least I'm trying to stay on the road.

My heart on the other hand is a different story. I can't seem to fill the void that is meant to be filled by Michael. Yes, he called (I'll give him that) but what good would it have been?

 Me drinking every time we couldn't be together and Michael blaming himself? 

No. I can't and won't do that to him. I love him too much.

He's done pretty well without me so, I tell myself that it was all for the best. 5SOS blew up in what seemed like overnight. They now have four albums and they all went platinum. Alexis says they are amazing. I can't listen to them anymore. Sounds petty but I just can't. I can't sit here and lie and say I don't miss him. I miss him so much. So listening to his voice through earphones isn't a good idea. 

Sometimes I sit and think about all our time together. And on bad days I go back to the way he touched me and the way he could make me come undone with one look, one touch, one word. Fuck. I need to stop torturing myself.