Mend my heart

Chapter twenty one - By Your Side

By Your Side

Leyla's POV

I arrived to her graveyard at six sharp the next morning. My hands were trembling with cold and fear.

I started the slow walk to it. Seventeen steps forward rotate ninety degrees clockwise, thirteen steps forward rotate ninety degrees anticlockwise, stop.

I'd brought fresh lilies, my old ones long wilted. I felt cold, robotic.

I sat down, and the tears really began to flow. I lay down, right on top of it.

I had six hours here. It was an unspoken agreement between Lucas and I. Becca would usually be stuck at the gate for three hours, then come over.

This time I had the whole time to myself. I cried and cried and cried.

I sang to her lowly, little songs we'd composed together.

"I'll make up forever to lay by your side

I'll talk about infinity, lying there

And I'd give up my all to touch you

It'd make me much better, much worse"

I ran my fingers across her grave, the inscription barely faded, just like the memory of her.

"To think I can't lay by your side

It's torture.."

The damp started to seep through my clothes, slowly but surely soaking my side.

I stroked the earth as I sang, closing my eyes to stem the flood of tears.

"I'd tell you about the time that we first met and how I always knew it'd be you"

My voice was hoarse from a long time of misuse. It came out as barely a whisper.

"And I would tell all of the people that we are happy people and yes I believe it is love"

My voice was cracked and dull, but the air seemed to throb around me.

"Cause I'd tell you stories of two happy people,

Soulmates, chosen above

And I'd look into your eyes

And now I'm barely surprised

By the feeling of love."

I finished off the song abruptly, silence thickening the air.

"Hey Emilybear." I sniffed out.

"I can still imagine your warm smile, your big bear hugs, the way you'd widen your eyes and blink when you were surprised at something."

"I still miss you - every day."

Choking sobs were erupting out of me, breath coming short and shallow.

"I still love you. I always will. I hope you know that."

"And you don't love me more," my voice was thick with tears and snot "because nobody has ever loved anybody else like I love you."

I trailed my fingers over the inscription. She'd told me she wanted it once, and I'd made sure it was there.

'Emily Debora Smith

1995 - 2006

Beloved daughter, sister, friend

Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times'

I sobbed some more, memories pouring into me like I was a chasm.

I recalled the service like it was a punch in the stomach. I remember the floods of tears, the attempted comfort. The sudden feeling of drowning.

I remember standing over her grave, throwing my bit of dirt in, the grave being slowly lowered.

It was now six years since it had happened. The first year had been the worse, and I visited it nearly every day.

I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I was robotic and cold for a year and a half.

What hit me worse was the thought that I may never see her again, ever.

"I never told you that I loved you enough. I know it seems stupid, but I really miss you. I can't live without you Emily. I don't even allow myself to speak to anyone but you."

I stroked the grass softly with my hand.

I stayed like that for a while, not knowing of caring why.

Tom arrived a little after this. He'd come to see his mum.

"Hey" he greeted. I nodded to him. "I understand if you won't speak to me, but feel free to talk to Emily whilst I'm here."

I gave him a watery half-smile. I lay back down, crying and crying and crying.

When he was far enough away I resumed talking. I could imagine her every action, her every move and speech.

I took out my phone, scrolling down to her number. It had never been reused, her family had kept everything exactly as it was.

"Six years." I spoke quietly into the microphone "I don't know if I'll ever stop missing you." I hung up, that was the sixth voicemail.

I felt so alone.

I stroked the soft grass tenderly, taking everything in.

Nearly four hours had passed. I smiled. "It's better this way emilybear. I get to spend more time with you this way." I spoke softly.

My low voice penetrated the bubble that had surrounded me and her. It was a shield, to stop people interfering.

I envisioned her sitting besides me, stroking my hair as she'd done on all of our sleepovers together.

"I used to fall asleep first. Now you're always the first." I choked out through my sobs.

I got out my notepad, drawing a little sketch of her. I drew one every year, just like the visits, just like the phone calls. It was tradition.

I'd also photocopied the picture again. The old one was gone, stolen or eaten by something.

I smiled. It was the picture of us, smiling, arms around each other at our eleventh birthday party.

Time seemed to fly by. Another hour had passed. "Only one hour left, bear." I said, quietly. "One hour and then I'm silent again. I hope it's like that for the rest of my life."

I sat and lay down and talked and smiled for an hour more. Then I went back.

Lucas was waiting patiently at the gate. He clapped his hand on my back. "Six years." He commented, then entered the graveyard.

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Hey nobody!!

I have over 400 reads!! That's exciting!!! :D Thank you to anyone who's reading this, I know it's been a while but I did two chapters! (Plus I didn't like writing the first one!)

Olivia

xx