Pillow Talk

Art of War - B

Jamie let himself into Eddie's apartment Sunday evening and was surprised to find the living room lights turned off and the house quiet. "Eddie?!" Jamie called out. She should be at home; they planned to meet here after dinner was over to discuss his family's reacting to their relationship. They knew that one or both of them would be transferred to another precinct, but that was the price they had to pay to be together in the open. After talking with Danny at church earlier that day, Jamie wasn't sure he was ready to pay that price.

"Eddie? You here?" Jamie called again.

"I'm here," Eddie replied stepping out of her bedroom in just a towel. "I did this new work out video I saw on line and I was perspiring so much I couldn't stand myself so there was no way you would be able to stand me."

Jamie smiled, "I brought some left overs." Wordlessly, he began setting up the plates. Eddie new her boyfriend well. She knew something was wrong by his body language and the stiff set of his shoulders.

"Jamie," Eddie said gently. "What happened at dinner? They were angry weren't they?"

"No," Jamie replied sighing as he handed her a plate. "I didn't' tell them."

"You didn't tell them?" Eddie's eyes shot open. She was angry and surprised that Jamie had apparently decided on his own not to go through with tell his family about them after all.

Eddie stood up, leaving the plate of delicious smelling leftovers on the table. "Jamie, I thought that we agreed the other night..."

"We did," Jamie interrupted wanting to head this off before Eddie got even more upset. "We did agree, and believe me, it has nothing to do with how much I love you or me changing my mind about us or anything like that."

Eddie crossed her arms, "Well, what does it have to do with?" she asked. "Because those all sound like reasons why you would decide not to tell your family after you and I decided..."

"I talked to Danny," Jamie explained going to take Eddie's hands and lead her back to the couch. "I talked to Danny and I am just...Linda was working in the hospital. People usually do not get shot at in the hospital, it's safe. You and I work on the streets of Manhattan and in spite of our best efforts, there is nothing safe about them. If Linda got hurt at the hospital, you could get hurt on the street."

"Okay..." Eddie was still confused. That was a risk they both agreed to take by dating each other. One or both could get hurt at any given time, and just like Danny, there would be very little either of them could do about it except be there when it was all said and done.

Eddie was still confused, Jamie could see that. "I know we understand the risks, Eddie, but all the while we were talking Danny kept saying things like, "If only I was there," or "If only I was with her," and it got me thinking that right now you and I are the safest we will ever be on the job, watching each other's backs. If I tell my family, we have to tell Sarge and if we tell Sarge..."

"Jamie..." Eddie squeeze his hand. "You are rambling. Calm down and just tell me."

"I'm scared, Eddie," Jamie confessed. "I'm scared to tell my family and end up getting a new partner. Right now, I'm there for you and God forbid the worst happens I'll be right by your side. If we go public and get transferred and something terrible happens to you, I might not even get to say "I love you" one more time before you are gone. That will be too much like Joe. Losing Vinny was hard, it was really hard holding him while he died, but at least I have the comfort of knowing he knew love and kindness in his final moments. I don't have that comfort with Joe and if we get separated, I won't have it with you either. I got through Joe, I got through Vinny, but you..."

Jamie's eyes filled and he turned his head, ashamed of himself. It was incredibly selfish of him to ask Eddie to continue to lie to everyone around her for his fear but that was what he was doing.

"Jamie," Eddie sighed reaching up for his face. He resisted her attempt to turn his head. "Jamie, look at me," she demanded.

Jamie never could deny Eddie when she used that tone. "You have no idea how much...how much I wish you didn't have to face the pain of losing your brother or losing a partner, but you did, and it was not your fault, just like if I got shot or stabbed or anything like that, it wouldn't be your fault, whether you were my partner or not."

Jamie nodded, "Eddie, I can't. I think I have to work through it, the fear and the...I have to work through what Linda getting shot...It brought up all the anxieties that Sydney used to talk about when I first went on the job, the Linda talks about...it brought it all up. I'm not only cop now, I'm in a relationship with one. That feels so different and so scary..."

"I know it's scary," Eddie sympathized. "I'm scared too. I'm scared that when kiss before we head to work I'm not going to feel that way again, but we can't let it run our lives. We can't let fear hold us back."

Jamie swallowed the lump in his throat, "I know. I promise you, I won't but I just need a little more time. My brother almost lost his wife working in a hospital, I haven't' seen Danny break like I did that night, not even for Joe."

Eddie could see how upset Jamie was, he was truly afraid of losing her to the job. "Okay..." Eddie cupped Jamie's cheeks and brushed his tears. "Okay, we can keep quiet a little longer, but promise me this one thing?"

Jamie covered Eddie's small hands with his larger ones, "Anything."

"If you or anyone in your family gets sick or hurt, you either tell the truth or lie like a rug to make sure that I can be by your side. I don't know how much it hurts to lose a brother or a partner, but it hurt a lot to have to step aside and not be there for you. I love you, Jamie and I want to be there when you need me. Promise me."

Jamie slid his hand to cradle the back of Eddie's head. He pulled her in for a light kiss before whispering, "I promise."