One After The Other

letters to Jason

Dear, Jason

Nov.10

I'm so tired of missing, wanting, and even sometimes loving you. I write this without even shedding a tier, I feel as if I should but i just can't almost as if my body is in slow motion and it won't let me, I'm watching it happen trying to yell out but... finally nothing. I am not sure why I'm even writing this, maybe because I am sitting over here alone, wishing I was sitting with you. Because isn't that what love is supposed to mean, togetherness, passionate, faithful, consuming, and even a little danger. Now I know love is not always good but sometimes... always causes pain and sorrow. You are only a few feet away from me but I feel as if you are across the world, you are surrounded by friends but I see you look at me in sadness almost as if you are crying out for help(at least that's what I see). And where am I, who am I with... no one just me, so lonely. I hate you ( I could never truly hate you) for this. You should come and talk to me, we both know you want to but you don't, you never do.

When we talk it's almost like we are strangers. Our conversations are dull and lifeless, so not us. This brings me fear because I remember when we use to talk all night about the most pointless things like favorite colors and dreams for the future but it felt like we were on the edge, one wrong move and we would just fall and be in the safe zone but I loved that moment, so much. And now we are dead. This also scares me because I've never really trusted anyone like the way I trust you... completely.

I tend to try to escape from the reality that our love even though God have given me not one, but three chances for our love, by listening to music and letting my thoughts run wild. Even though now I know it will never be . I still choose to dream about the future and in this future we are together at last.. but like Eddie Brickell once said "That's just a line in the fog." A great deal of the time it becomes a prison. A nightmare. I become stuck in my own head and instead of thinking about the happiness you being me. I think about the hurt and the only way to stop this is by letting it all consume me, which causes me to cry and then I can finally stop thinking of you. But I fear that I will never stop thinking of you.

Jan. 5

Dear, Jason

I am sorry that I haven't wrote you in a while but I think I am completely over you now and I would like to thank you for leaving me and giving me time to get over you. And now I am free at last so, thank you. I will continue to right you because you are the only person that I've trusted completely without needing any reason or time to even get to know you. Thank you for that as well because I can finally say exactly how I feel without holding anything back. Thank you. I would also like to thank you because you have given me a new outlook on life, I want to be seen. And with that I want to be seen the way you got to, the person that I want to be. Thank you.