One After The Other

Real

I woke up at 9 in the morning Jack's body through over me and a instant rush of bitter cold air flowed over my body giving me goose bumps. Pushing Jack's body away from and rolling him over. I reached for my cigarette box and pull one out and lit it the first puff carved my through out and burned it and the second puff was almost like heaven, sweet and relaxing. I guess the smoke or maybe the sweet taste woke Jack from his slumber, he rolled himself over staring at my cigarette. "Here have a puff, you look like you need it." I flicked my wrist with the cigarette in between my two fingers to his lips he took a long drag till I yanked it out of his mouth bringing the cigarette to mine. We sat there in the smoke filled room for a minute or two till Jack looked over to the clock and said in a scratchy voice, "Fuck i'm late" Jack slowly stood up and left the bedroom. Putting out my cigarette and still brisk from the air I slipped down back into the covers. I slowly closed my eyes trying to sleep.

When I woke up I took a quick glace at the clock it read 9:36. I stepped out of bed quickly throughing on my fuzzy socks, they were warm and comforting. In my underwear and long weather I tipped toed down the hall way and peered into the kitchen. Jack was all ready gone and I was alone.

Usually I feel like a zombie because of all the pills stuffed down my throught causing me to go practically brain dead. But this morning was different, maybe the cold air or the silence But this morning everything felt real.
I looked around me and saw nothing but everything all at once. I leaned agaist the cabinet in the kitchen and slowly fell to. Sitting on the ground with my knees pushed agaist my chest and wrapping my arms around them everything became gray. The walls, pictures, me, everything. I'm all alone with know one who understands me. I cry out for someone to see me but I'm just in the background and who really cares. People pretend to know, to care, to understand but none really does. I'm in a corner all alone scared. I want to give up and freek out but I keep pretending to be okay because know one will understand. Know one really knows what it's like to be me. To seek something more but to be afraid it. To want everything but to have nothing. To love all but scared of all. To see far but to dream little. My mind feels like a war and in the end I just want it all to stop.

A cat like scream comes out of my mouth. I knew exactly what I was doing, I just wanted someone to hear me at last. I grabbed the butcher knife out of the cabinet looking right at it my reflection looking right back at me. I looked pitiful, used, damaged, and most of all tired. Tired of life, tired of everything and everyone.

"Hey darling are you okay?" My eyes half open I could hardly tell who it was, I thought for minute it was my mother. "Do you know what happened?"

"Mother?"

"No silly it's your sister Jane. If I ever start sounding or looking like mother kill me. She sends her regards, she said she had a meeting but I dout that. You know she can't deal with any inperfections."

"Yeah, yeah what happened?"

" Oh hunny you tryed to kill yourself by slitting your wrists. I blame thoughts doctors for putting you on all those meds what were they thinking..."

Staring at the knife some more the thought of everything ending seemed good. But at last I put the knife on the ground and slowly got up and walked back into my bed. I shut my eyes and pretended like everything was going to be okay but in reality my life is a walk on slippery rocks and I'm just a line in the fog.