I am Veronica (bwwm)

The lost POV/ Extra kisses (16)

Chapter sixteen: The lost POV/ Extra kisses:

 [Ashlynn's POV from chapter twelve. This is important.]

 "What?"

"GET OUT!" I screamed. He shook his head a little, but he set the bottle on the nightstand. I watched as he put on his shoes and left, leaving me feeling empty.

I wanted to call him back and yell, "Don't go, you're drunk!" But he wouldn't listen and he wasn't drunk anyway. He'd always been pretty good with holding his alcohol.

I didn't realize it until I swiped a hand under my eyes but...I was crying. I kicked off the duvet and went to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror. I'd never really liked my reflection, but I hated it now. Blonde locks framed my pale face. I needed a touch up, my roots were showing, I didn't want anyone knowing I wasn't naturally blonde.

Maybe it was stupid, but I didn't want the ginger jokes again.

Who was this girl in the mirror? It was Ashlynn. But who was the girl who was looking in the mirror? Me. And who was I? Natalie Ashynn McDaniels. My eyes weren't even fucking blue, but I couldn't stand the green. It reminded me too much of my father.

I shuddered and leaned against the sink, still studying myself. I was in my underwear and I felt uncomfortable now. Being by myself, basking in nudity or near nudity made me feel disgusting. I could deal with someone else looking at me or running their fingertips along me, but I couldn't feel comfortable in my own skin or admire it. When I got dressed and plastered makeup over my skin, it was for other people, not me.

I hate myself.

I scraped my jagged fingernails up and down my arm, digging deeper into the skin until I drew a few droplets of blood and I had pink skids cutting through the pale hue. I didn't flinch now, I was used to the pain. I welcomed it, in a fucked up kind of way.

I sighed and watched as more blood rose to the surface. It gave me a sick satisfaction to see the red contrast with the white. I would need to bandage this and wear long sleeves tomorrow, I noted. I knew I was messed up, but there wasn't much to be done about it now. The damage was done. My therapist didn't even believe me when I told him about my fears and anger manifested. But what did it matter, no one cared about me and that was that.

I glanced at my reflection once more, feeling nauseous. I had feelings and emotions threatening to burst forth underneath my scarred skin. I couldn't take this. I needed something to pin me down before I got lost in myself. What I used to do, before I became more stable, was hurt myself. I still did it now, but I was worse then. Much worse. Now, the most I would do was scratch myself.

Thankfully, I never got into drugs or abused alcohol. That was something I wouldn't ever get into, due to what I'd seen it do to those who were close to me. But I did find something else, that was nearly as bad as drugs. I focused on the broken girl in the mirror, her blue eyes wide. My vision was starting to swim again, this was it. I gripped the edge of the counter as I felt the world tilting. I hated this part.

But then it was over. I wasn't in control anymore and I was just spectating. I listened to her thoughts and felt her feeling, but I wasn't Natalie anymore. I was Ashlynn.

I wouldn't do half the things I did under Ashlynn's influence, it just wasn't me. But with her at the reins, I was powerless.

I rolled my neck to the side and relished in the cracking noise. I felt a pain in my arm and looked down. Blood was seeping from some pink scratches running the length of my arm. How had this happened? No matter. It would heal.

I threw my hair in a ponytail and looked at my beautiful reflection in the mirror, smiling. I turned and walked into my bedroom. I saw a bottle of vodka sitting on my nightstand, Chris must have been here at some point. I took the bottle and dumped the rest of it down the drain. I didn't drink this and he wouldn't be back for a while.