Bermuda Triangle

Burden That Will Never Be Surpriseful

Sometimes I stay awake at nights wondering how my life would have turned out if I wasn't here. Would I have married Janice? Would I be dead? Would I moved from my little place? Would I get an animal? Would I still be allergic to anything that wasn't meat? Would I finally pick up a book that I knew that I would love? Would I make a book and publish it? Tell the world the positive side of things or the negative side of things or whatever I wanted to tell that came from my imagination..

I can't think about this for too long without my head start to feel like I have constraction men in my brain.. Wait. What am I saying? You never see those men work so.. I guess I just have a headache. I try so hard to think of the now but the now only makes my heart feel like it has been ripped out of my chest and stumped on. Then it is blown away by the heavy wind...

I miss them...

I sometimes wonder why it couldn't have been me instead of Vega.. I mean Vega could have done anything.. She was a true champion.. She never backed down.. I am starting to feel myself lose the battle.. I am losing the battle against myself. Brett says I'm doing fine but what does he know. He is just as crazy as I am feeling.. I wish Vega was here she would do so much better as a parent than I ever will.. I can barely keep myself awake half of the time.. And when he cries I just sit and listen..

I mean I am losing myself.

Or I wish I was..

Time is hard to tell nowadays.

Daniel sat crying and I looked up as Katie half fell as she made herself known. "Don't you hear the baby crying?" She asked.

"I don't know." I told her.

"I swear all you do is sit and stare at the wall nowadays."

"What else do you want me to do?"

"Take care of Daniel!" Her voice raised and I looked down at the dirt ground.

"Daniel can take care of himself." I mumbled.

"No he can't! Snap out it Hunter.. You don't see Daniel crying over Vega. Move on."

"He didn't even know her."

"He spent nine months inside her stomach he knows her pretty damn well."

"What do you want, Katie?"

"Just to say hi."

"Hi! Now bye."

"Can I take Daniel out for a walk?"

"No.."

"Why not?"

"Because I said so.. Please just leave us alone."

"Hunter, are you ok?"

"Sometimes."

"Tell me what is wrong."

Talking to her is actually better than talking to the wall which I often do.. Too much.. Actually. "Sometimes Katie I feel like I am falling and my hands are tied behind my back and I can't help myself from falling flat on my face.. I'm drowning and there is no one to throw me a life jacket.. I fell like falling off the face of the earth.. We are so far off of the reservation.. Damn at the end of the night I want to be off of the reservation.. This place is a burden. No one was supposed to be hurt.. One death it was sad but it was alright.. No harm done he was sick nothing we could have done. We tried our best. Two deaths.. It was holy shit did that just happen. Three deaths I started breaking.. Healthy. It was just a fall to one's death. The fourth death and it was like the world was falling in on me and I couldn't stop it from happening. The fifth death and I can't find myself out of this never ending hole I had dug for myself. I jump up to grab the top of the hole and I just fell further.. I feel myself screaming at the back of my mind. He is there. Crying for my help. He is crying to go home. He is crying for me not to let go.. He is praying for me not to give up... If I let go and forget... it would be like they never even happened, like losing your best friend or your first child.. Letting go is basically killing a side of you, you will never ever get back... This place is a burden you start seeing red spilling into the light.. And you look at it surprised but you aren't really surprised.. I don't know how many time I was beaten up, burned, broken down.. I don't know how many times I have lost myself.. I am missing pieces like a cheap dollar store puzzle.. I don't know how many times I didn't have the chance to find myself.. I don't know if I even want to find myself.. To be honest.. I want to lose myself. I want to forget about everyone here. I want to lose the battle against myself. I want to be something I know I am not.. I don't want to get the girl.. I want the girl to learn for herself that she is with the wrong guy.. Right now it doesn't bother me that she is with some man that has tried to kill me more times then I can count, and has hurt more people than I know about. It makes me crack up inside and want center seat when the prissy walls around her fall. I would want to pick her up and carry her home but at the same time I don't care what happens to her.. I just want a smoke break and a glass of the bartender's best Whiskey.. And I want to fix my car up and most importantly I want to lay myself asleep and never wake up..."

"Hunter..."

"It's surprising isn't it, Katie? You don't want to hear me saying these words. But it doesn't surprise me." I took Daniel out of her arms and I looked at her.. "Have a good day Katie.."

"Hunter.." She started.

"I would like to be left alone.."

"Pray.... Pray like Dan."