A Ship Without Sails

Chapter 35

Aren't you tired of having to come to my house by now? Shayna thought when Astrid and Julia, along with a squad of police cars, arrived.

While Astrid led her team of forensics upstairs, Julia stayed with the remaining Blackburns. She hugged Shayna and her parents, made them cups of chamomile tea, and sat them down on the couch.

"You don't deserve this," she told them. No "I'm sorry" or "Are you okay?" Just the facts. It snapped Shayna out of her horrified trance. Since she had found Daisy, she had been walking around in a daze, disbelieving and scared.

"Maybe we do. Maybe if we had been better parents..." Mrs. Blackburn's last words were choked back by a sob rising in her chest. She buried her face in her husband's shoulder, her own shoulders shaking.

"You two have been the best parents you could have been. Especially recently, since Kerry's death. A majority of parents would have fought, placed blame, even divorced, if their daughter had passed away. You held up the family," Julia assured them. Neither Blackburn parent responded, but they understood.

Julia turned to Shayna. "And how are you feeling, Shayna?"

The words "I'm okay" nearly came out, before Shayna snatched them back from her lips. She swallowed, trying to crush her feelings before she exploded. Julia smiled empathetically and said, "Tell me how you're really feeling. I promise, I won't think you're crazy or something."

Shayna took another moment to form her thoughts into a coherent way to express them. "You know how there's a bunch of nice, brand-new, fancy McMansions on a street, and then there's that one old, dull, small house that's totally out of place? The one everyone's just waiting to be torn down? I'm that house." Shayna felt her defenses collapsing. "My sisters are gone. I'm all alone now. There's no one to compete with, no one to put me down, no one to outshine me. I would take all that back in a heartbeat."

"You're holding everything together," Julia countered. "Think about if you were gone, too. Your parents would have no purpose. The investigation would be thrown into overdrive. You're helping everyone by being here."

Shayna tried to wrap her mind around this. Her mind stayed blank.

"I hate her," she blurted. Julia's face remained unchanged, no emotion betrayed. "Can you elaborate on that?" she asked, setting her mug on the coffee table. Shayna focused her gaze on the faint lipstick stain on the side of the white cup, not knowing what else to look at.

"Daisy ruined everything. She should have gone to college first, then Kerry and I would have followed. She had an interest in marine biology for the longest time, you have no idea, it was so annoying when we were little. She had this stupid book of ocean facts or whatever that she would constantly carry around. And Kerry, oh my gosh, I thought she would get a scholarship for something. Doesn't matter what, she could've gotten it for anything. Soccer, her grades, just for being a good person. Everyone loved her. Or, at least, everyone should have." Shayna took a deep breath, looking up from the mug, and realized how dry her mouth felt. She licked her lips, trying to unscramble the infinite number of thoughts buzzing around her head. "Daisy took it away from Kerry, and herself, and she broke our parents. She hurt them so badly."

"And what did she take from you, Shaya?" Julia asked, looking Shayna straight in the eye.

Shayna didn't know how to reply. "I don't know if she took my everything, or if she took nothing from me," she said. Julia made a little humming noise at that. At last, she looked confused. "And can you elaborate on that--"

"No, I can't!" Shayna burst out. "I don't even know how I feel enough to talk right now! I'm exhausted and angry and so broken, I don't know if I'll ever feel okay again. I don't know the last time I actually did feel okay." Her face crumpled into a mess of tears and smeared mascara. "I'm so tired," she sobbed, her voice cracking.

She felt Julia give her a hug, but her senses were numbed. She felt like she was watching the scene on TV, as if she weren't really there. Astrid came down, removing disposable plastic gloves as she whispered something to Julia. Julia nodded, said something to Shayna, then left.

They both returned with one more person: Kurt.

"Oh my god, Shayna," he breathed when he saw her. He enveloped her in a hug, and she melted into him. She finally felt safe and secure.

"I'm sorry," she cried, "I'm so sorry." He pulled away slightly, confusion apparent on his face of grief. "Sorry for what?" he asked. Shayna shook her head, hand pressed to her mouth. "I don't know," she choked out, "I just felt like I should say it."

Kurt was silent for a second, then he pulled her back into his arms. They sat there, quiet, blocking out the police and EMTs bustling about, the flashing lights of the ambulance, and the stretcher carrying Daisy out the door. With the feeling of Kurt's strong arms holding her, Shayna was swept back to the night that she and Kurt were at the park, when they were together, as one. Like that night, she knew there was so much to be said between them, but in that moment, there was no need for words.