A Ship Without Sails

Chapter 36

The week flew by. The wake, funeral, talking to police, talking to Astrid and Julia, all was blurred into one, messy, traumatic memory for Shayna. On the Monday after Daisy's death, she had to finally return to school.

At first sight, no one recognized her. She was no longer the shy but upbeat junior who had close friends and a loyal boyfriend, stellar grades, and loved by all. She was now a girl who looked much older than 16, battered by life, tired and scared, with almost no one on her side. Her dark hair fell in front of her face and hung limply, her bright amber eyes now dull and lifeless. It was as if she had forgotten how to smile. She was a ghost of her former self.

In English class, she didn't speak for the whole period. Ms. Harper allowed the students to pack up early, five minutes before the bell, but Shayna made no move to socialize.

"Hi, Shayna," Jessica said cautiously, approaching her former best friend's desk. Shayna looked up, her face gaunt and empty, and tried to smile.

"Hey, Jessica. How are you?" she asked, tousling her hair, trying to flip it out of her face. Jessica didn't say anything, but she leaned across the desk and hugged Shayna as tightly as she could. "I'm so sorry," Jessica sobbed. "I feel so bad for you."

"Why are you crying?" Shayna didn't hug Jessica back. Her voice was cold. "If anyone should be crying, it's not you. Congrats on winning that arts competition and getting that new car while you ignored me."

Jessica released Shayna and studied her with wide, hurt eyes. She couldn't find any compassion in Shayna. "What happened to you?" she whispered.

"Death can change people," Shayna responded, her voice flat and low. "Especially when you have, like, no support." Her amber eyes narrowed and she added, "Even from people who you thought were your best friends." Jessica burst into more tears and hurried away to the rest of the class on the other side of the room.

Why does she think she deserves to be comforted? Shayna wondered, letting her hair hide her face again. It took her a moment to realize her hands were shaking and breaths were becoming short and fast. Before she could stop them, tears flooded her vision and began to fall steadily onto the top of her desk. Pools of them formed, and it somehow was soothing to watch the drops fall and join the others.

A letterman jacket was laid over her shoulders. A hand gently moved her hair out of her face, and wiped her tears with the pad of their thumb. With her vision cleared, Shayna was looking at Kurt's laid-back smile. "What're you crying for, silly?" he chuckled, kneeling down next to Shayna's desk. Shayna gave him a watery smile and said, "Nothing."

"That's a lie and we both know it. I'm skipping practice today, let's hang out, okay? Go for a drive around." Kurt made the suggestion sound like a sure plan. Shayna knew there was no point in arguing.

"Okay," Shayna agreed, "I just need to talk to someone real fast before we leave."

When the bell rang, she found who she was looking for near the baseball field.

"Hey, I haven't seen you since the hospital," Blake said when he saw Shayna. "Sorry I haven't called you, but I heard about Daisy, and thought it'd be best to give you some space for now. How're you feeling?"

Shayna hugged him, and mumbled, "Okay, I guess. Sorry I haven't talked to you in forever."

"Understandable. Do you want to hang out now? I can--"

"No," Shayna cut him off, but she smiled at him. "I just wanted to see you. I gotta go. Call me later."

She spun on the heel of her Converse and made her way to the parking lot. She found Kurt's car and got in the passenger seat. "Where are we going?" she asked. Kurt started the car and turned on the radio. "Potomac Overlook."

Shayna rolled down the window, and despite the chilly mid-November air cutting through her sweatshirt, let the wind whip through the car. In what felt like an instant or an eternity, they pulled into the parking lot of Potomac Overlook and stepped out of the car. In silence, they went down to the benches near the stream, where Kerry died.

Kurt sat down on one of the smaller benches, made for two people. Shayna wasn't sure where to sit, but before she could sit on another bench, he took her hand and tugged her to sit with him. Once she sat down, he put his arm around her shoulders and they sighed in contentment.

They watched the stream, the sunlight shine through the colored leaves, and the already fallen leaves rustle in the wind. It was the most calm Shayna had seen in forever.

"I really do love you," Kurt murmured, resting his head on hers.

Shayna couldn't suppress the wide smile that grew on her face. "I love you too."

Kurt sat up and looked at Shayna, hope shining in his eyes. Shayna's face flushed and she felt the same giddy excitement she had the first time Kurt had asked her out. She felt happy again.

But she knew what she had to say to him. "We can't date, and you know that."

A look crossed over Kurt's face that Shayna couldn't decipher. Then utter defeat overtook him. "I know," he sighed. "I was hoping you'd convince me I was wrong."

"Me, too," Shayna admitted. "We'll always have each other. But we can't date, after everything that's happened. I would feel like I'm betraying Kerry and Daisy, when all I want to do now is to have them back."

"Plus, you have Blake," Kurt added, though for the first time, he didn't look annoyed when mentioning Shayna's boyfriend. He looked relieved that she had one more person to support her.

Shayna's smile turned into a genuine grin of relief, too. She knew that she would be okay.

"I'm going to be forever glad that you're here. Ella Fitzgerald said that 'A life without love is like a ship without sails.' I love you, I love my family. You love me, my family loves me. I'm going to be fine."

She rested her head on Kurt's shoulder, content and safe, and they watched the sun dip below the treetops. The bright colors of the sunset mingled with the colors of the fall foliage, giving the park a soft glow of hues of orange and pink. The chatter of birds and steady trickling sound of the stream were the only sounds heard before Shayna and Kurt crunched through the leaves back to the parking lot.

They drove home.