Old Friends

6- Decisions

We pulled up to the hotel and with a little begging, the lady at the front desk gave me a room next to Sam and Dean's. I settled in and sat on the bed. I was so beyond conflicted. Sam knocked on the joining door and I opened it.

"Hey, I'm gonna go get food. Want anything in particular?"

"No. I'm cool with whatever." I replied. He nodded and left.

I went to their room and joined Dean. "Hey. Congrats on graduating. Sorry things are so conflicting for you." He stated genuinely.

"It's ok. I just need to figure out what I'm doing." Sam came back with food not too long after and we ate and talked and joked around. We were just hanging out when I kept thinking about my choices. "Is there a pad of paper on the table over there I could use?" I asked. They handed it to me and I got to work writing.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm writing out the pros and cons of both. It's a good trick for hard decisions." I explained. I made two charts.

Job

Pros                                                                     Cons
Money                               |      Time requirements
Opportunity                     |                Difficult work
Benefits                             |            Distance-no car
Fun                                     |            Nowhere to live

Sam

Pros                                                                     Cons
I love him                          |             Dean hates me
He's sweet                         |     I'm tying him down
I've always loved him     |   Not sure it's worth it
I'd have a place to stay   |  Impeding their space
He loves me | Not sure he should

I sat and thought to see if I could come up with more for either side of the job but I couldn't. I headed to bed seeing as it was late not even noticing or caring that I left my charts in the open. I shut the joined door and climbed in bed. I thought about it and realized it was an overwhelmingly obvious choice to choose Sam. I didn't even bother getting up to lock the door and just cried. I was so stupid. My degree was for nothing and I rejected Sam twice all to say I knew he was my choice all along. I had always loved him. His compassionate nature and soft eyes just captivated me like no other. I didn't want to be without him. I heard a knock on the door but didn't turn to see who it was.

"Caitlin, you left your charts on the desk and I wanted to-" he started as he walked in. "Oh my gosh are you ok? Why are you upset?" He asked, rushing to the bed. I didn't reply but shook my head. He sat next to me on the bed and rubbed my shoulder softly. "Listen. I read your charts. I know it's none of my business what you wrote, but I read it. I had some stuff to say about it, but I'm more concerned about you right now. Talk to me. Please." I didn't reply. "Caitlin. You know you can talk to me. I'm always here for you." I knew that was true. I knew I could talk to him about anything. I nodded and sat up. He shut the door.

"So, I'm upset because I'm an idiot. This degree was for nothing, and I rejected you twice all to realize that I loved you all along. Sam, I've loved you since day one. I loved Dean, yes, but I just never realized it was you I truly wanted. You and I were inseparable as kids and I loved every second we spent together. I loved that you treated me like I mattered and I had longed to show you that you mattered too. I'm sorry it's seemed like I'm stringing you along lately and I didn't mean for it to seem like that. If it's not obvious by now, I choose you. I don't care about that job if I can't have you." I told him as more tears flowed at a quick and steady rate. "What did you want to say?"

"I just wanted to say that Dean does not hate you. He's happy you graduated and is happy you're finally gonna be happy with whichever you choose. You aren't tying me down either. I want to settle down at least little. I especially want someone like you in my life. You're a great girl and I love you. You aren't impeding on our space either. We have more than enough room and even if you were impeding, if it was because we are dating, we don't care. I can't tell you if it's worth it, but I know it's worth anything and everything for me. Why do you think I shouldn't love you and want you?" He replied. He truly wanted me to be happy.

"Thanks for everything you said. I don't think you should because things have sucked a lot over the years. I've been through a lot and I've done a lot I'm not too proud of and I can't bring you into my mess. I can't bring anyone into my mess." I explained. The past several years had been some of the worst.

"You don't have to keep me out. If you aren't ok with talking to me, then we won't talk about it. Ok? I'm here for you. If you're sure about picking me, then we'll make a go of this. If you're not, don't sweat it. It's ok."

"Ok. I meant it though. I'm picking you." I replied. "I'm sorry it took me so long to choose you."

"Don't apologize. It's ok." He consoled and continued to rub my back. I leaned onto his shoulder and sat there. "I'll be right back. I'm gonna tell Dean." I nodded slightly. He went to the door and left it partway open as he told him.

"....That's great, man. I'm happy for you. I really don't hate her or you for dating. Just treat her right." Dean told Sam strictly.

"I will. You know that. Speaking of which, she's really upset. Mind if I stay over there tonight?Don't get your mind in the gutter, I just want to make sure she's ok. I know it sucks going to bed crying. I want to be there for her."

"I don't mind. Tell her I'm sorry if I acted like I hated her. I never meant to." Dean added. Sam came back in. He shut the door.

"Hey. I just wanted to be with you since you're so upset. Dean says he's sorry by the way. He never meant to act like he hated you." He told me softly. "Can I climb in next to you or would that weird you out?" I moved the covers aside showing him he could join me. "How you doing?" He asked.

"I'm ok. Just a little mentally screwed up. Thanks for staying and giving me a place to crash and being so understanding with all of this. I really do love you."

"I know. And of course. You can stay with us at our bunker and I understand exactly what you meant with everything."

"I love you, Sam. Goodnight."

"Goodnight. I love you too."