Old Friends

29- Past Mistakes

I tried to sleep restfully but I couldn't help the dreams. I kept thinking about what Sam said and how it was truly all my fault. I couldn't get the sick images out of my head and I just wanted to disappear. I woke up in a cold sweat and was happy to see I didn't wake Sam up. I didn't want to talk about it yet.

We got up in the morning and just spent the day at little shops and taking a hike through the forest. We were cautious, but we knew there'd be less after me since I was cured. "You ok?" He spoke up at dinner.

"Sorta."

"Is it about what I said last night?"

"More or less. It's a lot deeper than that, but pretty much."

"You know you can tell me anything." He reminded.

"I know. I don't think I can tell you this one though. Maybe later. I've gotta sort some stuff out first." I explained.

"Of course. Take your time. I'm right here whenever." He was being so nice and caring as always but I knew it would change if he ever found out. We hung out at the diner and in a little park. The bench felt cold beneath my legs as did everything due to the fact I was petrified to tell Sam. I felt like he deserved to know, but I didn't know how to tell him. The night was getting darker as we sat there. My hand slowly gripped his hand tighter as time elapsed. My fear was increasing. He leaned in close to me and whispered. "Baby. You don't have to be scared."

"Yes I do, Sam. You thought the fact I had powers was bad, you'll freak at this. I don't know that I can tell you." I explained.

"Come on, let's just go back to the hotel. You can tell me or not tell me. It's ok either way." I nodded and we walked hand in hand back to the room. We sat down on the bed and neither of us said a word for several moments.

"Sam, if I tell you, do you swear you won't hurt me or this child inside me?" I asked.

"Hey, I wouldn't lay a hand on you. Nothing can be bad enough for me to do that." He consoled. I took a deep breath.

"Ok. So, you mentioned Jess and how she died and stuff. Well, I kind of have something to be honest with you about." He nodded cautiously. "I mentioned once that I did things under the influence of the powers that I can't take back. This was one of those. I killed Jess." I started. He got up and walked around the room as I tried to continue.

"How could you?! I get that you loved me, but this is taking it way too far. I loved her. You never wanted me to be happy. You just wanted me for yourself. You do this all the time. You hurt me and Dean and then act like everything is ok afterwards. You want to see me suffer don't you? Dean is gonna be pissed once I tell him." He stated before pulling his phone out.

"Sam, wait. Don't call him yet. Please. Let me finish. Then if you want to tell Dean, then go ahead." I begged.

"Alright. Continue." He was clearly pissed.

"Ok. There was a demon named Azazel. I know you know who he is, but I'm gonna explain fully. He was the most powerful one I had ever seen. He used me to get to you. Either way I was gonna be the reason you were hurting. He got ahold of me and once again threatened your life if I didn't kill her. Only yours this time. I asked him if I did this if you would be safe and unharmed. He said yes. I didn't know why she was important to him. I still tried to fight it at the last second. He forced me to because I had already agreed. I had no control. I swear I didn't know she was your girlfriend until now." He looked at me with pure anger. I began full blown bawling. "I swear Sammy. You have to believe me, please." I begged. "I never wanted to hurt you. I never do but I do nearly every freaking day. I'm the reason you lost the one person you love the most and I'm the reason everything bad happens to you. I sacrifice everything but hurt you in the process constantly. I can't even tell you how much I want to crawl into a hole and never be seen again. It's taking everything in me to not run out that door right now and stay out of your life forever. I screwed up big time but I didn't know what I was doing. I know you're mad. I don't blame you. I know you want me out at this point and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Sammy. I told you I wasn't sure about telling you and here's why. If I had known she was your girlfriend, I don't know, I would have found a way out. I wasn't gonna let you die but I never would have wanted to do that to you. I'm not that mean, I swear." I ranted. I laid down and hid my face in the pillow. He paced a bit longer then I felt the bed shift.