Old Friends

30- Fixing Things

We woke up in the morning and I spoke up. "Are you sure we're ok, Sam? Cause I don't want to continue hanging out today if you're gonna lie about being ok."

"I'm not lying. We're really ok. I'm not holding anything against you and I'm not mad."

"Well, you said some really mean things and I don't know if it was the anger talking or if you meant them."

"Remind me what I said?" He asked softly.

"You said I never wanted you to be happy and that I wanted you for myself and that's why I killed her. You said I do this all the time- I hurt you and Dean and act like everything is ok afterwards. You said you thought I really want to see you suffer." I reminded. "I mean I do hurt you and Dean a lot, but I never meant to come across like you shouldn't be happy. If I'm not making you happy, let me know and I'll go away."

"Caitlin, do you really think I feel that way about you?"

"I wasn't sure and plus that's what you said."

"I know you want me to be happy. You always have. Even when we were kids. I know I made you playing games with Dean less fun, but you let me be happy and allowed me to play with you two. I could name a ton more better examples, but I just know that you always want me to be happy. I know now that you weren't trying to kill her and I never should have assumed it was intentional. You don't do this all the time. If you ever have hurt us, which I don't think you have, we've talked it out and everything really has been ok afterwards. I know you don't want to see me hurting. You've made that blatantly obvious in everything we've ever talked about. I'm so sorry that I said what I did. It was way out of line. I love you and I'm sorry."

"You don't hate me?" I asked. I swore he did for a while.

"Of course not. Why are you so worried that I hate you? It's more than just this time. You think that a lot."

"You and Dean are the only people I have, Sam. You two are pretty much all I've ever had. My dad died, I killed my mom, I've never really had anyone be a constant person in my life. Your opinions mean everything to me. I hate when you two get mad because I feel so much worse. Most people's biggest fears are bugs or heights or death. Mine is getting kicked out or making you guys want to leave. You're all I have. I don't want to ruin that. I can't lose you. Not again."

"Wow. I didn't really think of it that way. We really are all you have and I'm sure it worries you when stuff like this happens. I will never make you leave or go anywhere. I'm always gonna be right here. You and Dean are all I have too. I don't want to ruin that either. It's ok. Just know I love you and I'm so sorry. I can't make up for this, but I'm so sorry. Please forgive me, baby."

"I forgive you, Sam. I know you're sorry. It's ok. I love you so much."

"I love you too. Is there something you want to do today?" He asked.

"Not really. I was gonna look online to see what there is last night, but we had all this mess so I didn't. What do you want to do?" I asked. I didn't have a preference, I just wanted to have a nice time with Sam.

"I don't know. We can just walk around town if you want." He suggested.

"Sure." I replied. I was still kind of broken up and upset and didn't really care what we did. We got changed and headed out. It was a gorgeous day. It was low 70s with a slight breeze. It was quite peaceful. I didn't say much and I think that worried Sam.

"I really am sorry, babe. I know I accused you of things you never would have done and I made you regret telling me. I'm sorry. I get it if you never want to tell me personal things again, just please don't shut me out."

"Sam, relax. I'm not shutting you out. I'm quiet because it's a nice peaceful day. I know you're sorry. I'm glad I told you because you deserved to know. I'm always gonna go to you with things and be here for you to talk to about things. It's ok. I'm not mad." I assured him.

"Ok. I just wanted to be sure."

"I know. If you want to talk while we walk, we can." I offered.

"If you don't want to, that's fine." I nodded and we kept walking. As we walked I suddenly took Sam's hand in mine and walked closer to him. He looked down at me with a dorky smile on his face.

"I hope you know how much I love you." I stated. "I suck at showing it but I do."

"I know, babe. I love you too." We continued to walk around all day. We stopped for lunch at a nice little cafe and then continued to window shop. Occasionally there was a nice little place we went into but there wasn't usually anything that great. After an hour or so more walking around and as I was thinking about heading back, we spotted an old little bookstore. Sam and I exchanged a glance and excitedly walked in. The smell of aging paper hit us both with a nostalgia more powerful than I expected.

"This is definitely your store, Sam." I commented.

"It's definitely yours too." He was right. Sam and I were both suckers for curling up with a good book. The quaint little store was nearly deserted. There were stacks upon stacks of books all over the store with an occasional bench or chair. Nearly every book seemed to be yellowing with age but still intact and whole. The one bench big enough for two people sat in the back against a stack of books. It was padded with an ugly red patterned fabric, but something about it was almost nice. It reminded you of books. Everything reminded you of books in that place. The owner walked up to us as we browsed.

"Can I help you find anything?" She asked nicely.

"We're just looking around." I replied.

"Let me know if you need anything."

"Thanks."

Sam and I wandered. We both ended up finding something to read. Sam found a classic of some sort, while I found some leather bound more modern novel. We sat on the bench next to each other and started reading. I leaned into his shoulder and dove into my book. I was enjoying the story when next thing I knew, the owner started talking.

"Ma'am, we're about to close." She stated. "Ma'am?" I woke up with a start.

"Huh?"

"We're about to close. I'm sorry."

"Ok. We'll head out." I woke Sam up. He had fallen asleep as well. He had finished his book, but I hadn't quite finished mine. I shook him gently. "Sam. Sam."

"Hey." He looked around and realized where we were.

"They're closing. We gotta go." I explained.

"Oh. Ok." We got up and walked towards the exit. I mentally marked which page I stopped on in case I ever got my hands on another copy so I could finish.

"Ma'am, where should I put this back? I don't remember where I got it from." I asked her.

"Keep it, dear. You seemed really into the book. No charge." She offered.

"Really?" I asked. I didn't know why she would let me just take it without paying but she was quite nice.

"Yeah. I'm glad you two enjoyed reading. That's not something you see very often these days. Have a nice night."

"You too, ma'am." I replied and we left the store.