Demolition Lovers (A Gerard Way Story)

The Showcase

September 5th, 1995

Oh god, oh god, oh god. This is it. It's, it's our final weekend. Tomorrow is the showcase. TOMORROW IS THE SHOWCASE! And still nothing is done. Well I say nothing is done, but that's a lie. All of my belongings, (save for a few clothing items and toiletries I'd need) have been packed and shipped back to my grandmother's house. Sorry, my house. Kyle flew out here a week ago to help with the process. 

Actually, since the 'incident' he hasn't really left New York. Or at least that's how it feels. He's called more often, (doubly so), and he's even gotten Gerard to call him to keep him up to date. If I so happen to "miss" a phone call. Miss...riiiiigggghhhhttt.

 Sadly, I was trying to avoid talking about that particular weekend, no avail I'm afraid. It wasn't my greatest moment, and yes, I'm horribly ashamed. They've healed up pretty quick though. They're sealed, thick, and have faded into a pinkish color. Instead of the fire engine red they were a month ago.

   I hate thinking about that night, or the following day. The devoid of any emotional look on Gee's face, the rage and tears from dad, and Kyle. And let's not forget the ass chewing I received from Gerard's family, Ray, and Max. Yes, Max found out, and had half a mind to throw me out of camp. But he didn't. Stating that all rock stars hit rock bottom. Some in the early stages of their fame, and others....when the fame is ending. 

Oddly enough, the doctors mentioned nothing of the cocaine swimming in my system. Well they didn't tell anyone other than Gerard. And the only reason why he knew, is because.....well....in his words, "When I saw a plastic baggy with a straw in it...I knew something was up." Which kinda sucks, because now he's keeping a quite annoying eye on me. 

I mean, don't get me wrong. I love that he wants to spend more time with me. Especially since....we're almost out of it. Oh god, we're almost out of time. What if I never see him again? What if this is the last weekend, the last cuddle, the last hug, smile, everything? What if I lose him, when I don't really have him? Oh god, no. 

This can't happen. It just can't. I wont let it. He has to stay in my life, he has to be a constant, he has to........love me. Well, he doesn't have to love me, but it would be nice. Unrequited love is the worst feeling ever. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Let alone a friend.

Picture it, you sitting at the table writing in your journal, glancing up and at the man you're completely in love with, and knowing he doesn't  love you. He cares, but he doesn't love you. The feeling of crippling sadness, fighting the tears that want to spill over always. Can you imagine it? Does it hurt? Now that's your imagination, try living it. It's 10X worse.

Now, trying picturing it...knowing you only have 48 hours left with him. 

Hitting you right in the heart isn't it? Does the emotional pain cripple you? Does it make you want to burst into tears, knowing your time is limited? Yes? No? Maybe so? Or is it just me? It's me isn't it. Got it. 

It's not easy being a hopeless one sided love blow-hard like myself. Well, I never said it was to begin with.....so....yeah. 

Anyways, uh...moving on. Mild to severe panic attacks have been plaguing me since the realization hit that I may never see him again. How did I become so dependent on someone? Was the only reason because I never had a true friend before?

Maybe, maybe not. Maybe I just found the one, the one I never want to be away from. Are you allowed to find your polar equal at the age of 18? Are you allowed to find your soulmate? Is it possible. Short answer: Yes. Long answer: While it's possible, I can't see myself being so lucky. Yet, here I am, with my soulmate in the other room, and no courage to tell him how I feel.