The next week
Riele's POV
It's been a week since Jace and I got back together and so far there has been no drama. I'm back at home. I do have to be careful around him though. He doesn't know it but the doctors told me in private that I've been diagnosed with three things... Depression... And anorexia... And social anxiety...
Depression isn't too bad. Jace already knew I was slightly depressed. It's just gonna be hard to walk around with a smile knowing that in reality I'm not really happy. I'll have to look at Jace and know I'm not good enough for him... Everyday it feels like I'm not needed... Like if I were to die nobody would care... They might even be happy... I know it's not true but still... Suicide keeps running through my head...
I guess I don't mind that much. I'll just have to be careful eating around others... If I'm anorexic then I can't eat... If I can't eat I'll be skinnier... If I'm skinnier then I'll finally be good enough for Jace. I see a plate of food in front of me and I feel sick to my stomach. I eat one bite and I become full. Two bites and I'll throw up. I can't let him see that...
Social anxiety is a different thing all together. That means I'm gonna have a really hard time hanging out with everyone. If they get to close I feel to nervous around them I'll have a panic attack. I hate them... My chest closes up and I feel like I can't breathe. Voices in my head spin round and round telling me how I'm not good enough. It feels like everyone's eyes are on me. It's like I'm being stabbed all over with 1000 flaming knives. If Jace sees me have one there's no doubt he'll think I'm a freak.
I just don't want him to know because I'm afraid that he'll break up with me if he finds out. I know he's not that shallow but still...
It's bad enough he knows I'm depressed. If he finds out I can't eat then...😢
I'm trying to ignore these horrible thoughts but I just can't.. If he finds out then he'll leave me for someone better. Let's face it...He can do so much better than me.
"Hey Riele- What's wrong?" I hear Jace say. When did he get here and how did he know?
"Jace! When did you get here?" I asked trying to avoid the question.
"Reiya let me in a minute ago now what wrong?" He asked concerned.
"Nothing's wrong why would you say that?" I said trying to sound happy.
"Because your crying... Please tell me what's wrong"
I hadn't even realised I was crying until he said that. It was just them I'd realised that tears were running down my face and my breathing was heavy. I quickly wiped them away.
"Nothing... Nothing's wrong..." I said quietly looking down.
"Riele... Please... I love you and I want to know what's wrong" He said gently grabbing my hands and staring into my eyes. It's like he's trying to see inside my soul. Trying to find out what's wrong. I quickly let go of his hands and turn around so he can't see me.
"I was worried ok?"
"What? Why?" He asked confused.
I took a deep breath. I won't tell him about... That... But he won't stop until I tell him what's wrong so... I might as well tell him the main thing...
"I worry
I worry that maybe
I wasn't what you expected
I worry that you'll remember
that you can do better than me
I worry that I'm just not enough"
By this point tears were once again streaming down. Suddenly Jace spun me around so that I was facing him. He put his hand on my check as he used his thumb to wipe away my tears. I shifted my gaze from him to the floor.
"I know you love me... But after everything's that's happened I just... There are so many girls out there... And all of them are so much prettier than me.. I'm scared you'll leave me for them... Especially now you know how I think..."
He said nothing instead he pulled me into a warm and caring hug. I felt safe in his arms... It felt like if his arms were around me nothing could hurt me...
"I love you... Always remember that.. I love for who you are... All your little flaws and imperfections.. Bruises, cuts and scars... I love all of them... I love you. I love everything about you. And everything that happened with Maeve taught me something..."
"What was that?" I asked in between tiny sniffles.
"Maeve tought that dating anyone else is pointless because I'll never love them or even like them as much as you..." He said softly lifting my head up.
"Even when your crying your beautiful" He whispered as I let out a small giggle. He took my hand and kissed it.
"I can't believe I almost lost you" He whispered again.
"You're not gonna lose me Jace... And now I know I won't lose you either..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wow! I actually cried writing this chapter!😭
Depression, anorexia and social anxiety are no joke trust me I've got 2 of them... If you have any of these things please talk to someone. Friends, family, even me if you want! I feel like this kind of stuff isn't treated with enough importance. Please take it seriously and remember you're never alone there will ALWAYS be someone who can help you!
Talk to me any time you want! I love talking to you guys! You put a smile on my face!!!😊
What do you think will happen next???
Shohini😇💖
YOU ARE READING
Fake Smiles (Jaele)
Fanfiction"I'd talk about my feelings.. But I don't think anyone would understand."- Riele Downs
