The Yogscast Guarantee

Chapter 9 Razors and Bandages

We got home and I dragged myself upstairs and carried on until I got to the attic and flopped down into a chair looking at the rain slowly get heavier and heavier outside. I closed my eyes listening to the rain hit the window. ‘You alright smudge?’ Ross asked standing in the doorway hands in his pockets. ‘Smudge?’ I asked him without opening my eyes, ‘yeah, why not.’ he came and sat next to me, ‘how's your mum?’ he asked and I sighed, ‘i honestly haven't the slightest fucking idea. She’s so complicated, she thinks she is ready to come home but I think she just wants out. I don't know I simply don't know.’  said raising my voice getting angry with I don't know what exactly. ‘Ok calm down, it's not your fault.’ he said, ‘That’s not the point, it’s the fact that I can't do this anymore. I can't I just can't keep going like this. I can't do it!’ I swung for the wall my hand crushing as it made contact. ‘What’s going on?’ Smith said looking like he had rushed up to us. ‘I can't do this anymore.’ I told him looking him in the eye tears blurring my vision. ‘Look at you, come on, Ross can you run and get the first aid box?’ Smith asked him and Ross dashed off. ‘Sit down, let’s look at you.’ Smith said sitting where Ross was and I sat back down reluctantly. ‘You split three of your knuckles, why?’ he cradled my hand in both of his, ‘i don't know, I don't know anything. Apart from I can't keep going like this.’ Smith sat up slightly, ‘we will get through this.’ he said, ‘i don't think we will, not both of us. I am not strong enough. I can't do this anymore.’ I told him. Ross returned with the green box in hand and gave it to Smith before leaving us alone. ‘What can’t you do?’ he asked me. ‘This.’ I said as he routed through the box. ‘what is this?’ he said unwrapping a bandage, ‘my mum, lack of future, dad, you everything.’ I told him, ‘so let’s break it down.’ he said and I looked at him confused as he wrapped my hand up, ‘your mum? She is getting help right? You don't have to deal with her right now. And when she gets out she will be in a halfway house for a whole and she will be more independant. Next, lack of future right? That’s what you said.’ he paused and I nodded, ‘well we are still we and I don't know about you but I would like it to remain that way for some time.’ he carried on wrapping my hand. ‘Whether we have kids, adopt or none at all out future holds more than the pitter patter of tiny feet.’ He finished wrapping my hand, ‘what was next?’ he asked, ‘dad.’ I told him a massive lump in my throat forming. ‘He is proud of you. No matter what you do. He is proud of you, for all you have had to do and what you have done. He might not be with you but he is.’ By this point I was, as you could probably imagine, I was in tears. ‘See you can deal with anything.’ he smiled at me. I Tried to speak but nothing really came out other than a noise similar to that of a velociraptor. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he did the same to me. ‘I love you.’ he said and I said the same when translated out of dinosaur.’Now I am going to run you a warm bath, make you a cup of tea and then we will be off to bed.’ he instructed, I smiled and nodded. He stood up and left and I slouched back into my chair, everything smith said was nice and all but I was in a place where a lighthouse would not make any difference to the darkness I had found myself lost in.

I sat in the bath with my eyes closed and my bandaged  hand resting on the side of the bath, listening to the occasional slosh of water from when I moved. ‘Come with me.’ I sat up water lapping at the sides of the bath, I could have sworn I heard someone say. I sighed and reached to my bath bag pulling out my razor, I stared at it and without thinking ran my thumb along the blades and crimson ran down my arm and into the water. A knock on the door snapped me out just in time, ‘Abbey? I have made your tea and it’s in the room.’ Smith said, ‘ok...I will be out in a sec.’ I said putting my razor back in the bag and washing the blood from my hand and arm.

I came out towel around my head and around my body, I opened our door and Smith was sat on the bed on his phone. ‘Feel better?’ he asked and I smiled at him, ‘much better.’ I lied, ‘well your tea is there, I will leave you to get sorted, shout if you need anything.’ I nodded and after he left my posture slouched and I felt my face droop back to it’s bloodhound like state. I got changed into my ravenclaw joggers and one of Smith’s shirts. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, the new look of 2016, your boyfriends possibly already worn t shirt and some baggy jogging bottoms with damp hair. I bet I looked a real state, but I really took no notice of it.

I had stayed upstairs until Smith came back up, ‘well Kappa is fed and sorted out, he almost fell off his log when I fed him today.’ Smith said and I put up my facade again with a smile and an adjustment to my posture. ‘We need to be at my sisters by twelve.’ Smith sat down and started to get changed, ‘so we should leave around nine just to be safe.’ he said, ‘yeah sounds good honey.’ I said in a slightly too fake voice. ‘You looking forward to it?’ he asked looking over his shoulder, ‘yeah, it will be nice to see your dad and brother again and meet your sister.’ I said and he looked at me for a second, ‘so you're not nervous?’ he asked with a hint of caution in his voice. ‘Not really.’ I said getting into bed and he looked at me, not saying anything. He finished getting changed and got into bed too,we didn't cuddle like we normally did, I stayed firmly on my side facing away from him.