for him [bxb] ✔️

20 // lost

The feeling achieved when you know you've done something wrong yet you don't regret it is one of the more prominent emotions I lived through those next few months.

Although it is to no surprise there isn't a class or some sort of lesson taught by parents or teachers to not kill other people, the idea is still instated within our society. I knew when the cold hard shovel brought the last of the brown dirt onto the grave, it would change both the boy I called Emerald and I for the rest of our lives.

To this day I find myself second guessing the decision I made to assist him with the murder of a cruel and corrupted man. After all, he was the one that brought the hatred upon himself yet I feel the smallest empathy for what could've been between a damaged father and his son.

It wasn't that I didn't know what I was doing that bleak morning. I did and forever I would keep that fearful choice to myself in fear that everything I had ever come to know and value would change and could possibly be for a greater downfall in the future.

But I wouldn't think of that then, nor when I felt the same feeling those following years as I helped a boy so lost and broken to the depths in which he spiraled towards.

I couldn't- I wouldn't; a feeling so strong and so destructive would have to stay beneath the surface of such an epitome towards life that I felt weary and tired after lusting with the feeling for so long.

We were lost boys in a stonewashed shipwreck; dropped to the fate of a brutal tyrant that left behind the jeering audience of our peers in such a hurry to know the full story.

We had forever lost this game.