Knocker

Rodger

I hold the little baby pillow against Rodger's face, and the cries are mumbled a bit at first. Rodger starts moving a little all over the place, and he's pushing the pillow away, but Knocker says to keep hold, so I do. But then Rodger stops and he's calm. I take the pillow off of Rodger's face and Knocker says that it worked, that Rodger is asleep again.

I am glad at first but then I look closer and I see that Rodger's tummy is not moving up and down anymore. Knocker says that he is just fast asleep and that when you're really really sleeping, your tummy doesn't move anymore. I say okay because he is probably right. But then I remember what Ma told me a while ago, that when your tummy goes up and down it means that you're breathing, and everyone always needs to breathe, so I look back at Rodger and I am a little scared that he stopped breathing. Knocker says it's okay but I don't think it is, and I poke Rodger. Rodger doesn't move. Dead people don't move, either. I push Rodger a little, but he doesn't move. Then I start to shake Rodger. "Wake up, Rodger! Wake up!" but he doesn't move at all. Something grabs my foot and when I look down it's Holmer with his one arm and he is mad at me. He is yelling at me that I killed Rodger, that I killed my own brother, that I'm bad!

"I'm not bad!" I scream at him. "Don't touch me!" I kick my foot and whoosh, Holmer flies to the wall and thud! Holmer yells to get me, and then all of the stuffies from the shelves jump off the shelves and onto me! I yell and scream for help. I hear Knocker's voice saying to run, to get out of here, and I do. I find monster strength inside of me like the Hulk and I throw all of the animals off of me and I scoop up Knocker and I run out of the room and close the door bang! I hear scratching and thumping on the other side of the door, but I keep it closed with the weight of myself. Knocker tells me that I don't have to hold it closed because they aren't good at opening doors.

I look down at Knocker and say, "Did I kill Rodger?"

Knocker says no, no, no. He says that I didn't kill Rodger, that Rodger just died in his sleep, and that I didn't kill him because it's not me.

I am not really sure, but I don't talk.

Knocker says that Ma is going to be angry if she finds Rodger dead and she will think it was my fault, so we have to hide Rodger like hide and go seek, but without the seeking part. He tells me that we should just go back and take Rodger out of bed so we can find a good spot to hide him.

"What about Holmer, and the other toys? They looked really mad." I say.

Knocker says that we can beat them, but I don't want to hurt them like I did Rodger. Knocker says I don't have a choice so I say okay, even if I don't want to.

He says that it'll be just like when we hid Whiskey, he was our cat. Ma called him Mr Whiskers but Knocker said he liked the name Whiskey better so that's what I called him. I pulled his tail one day when Ma was out and he got mad and scratched me. There was some blood and I was crying, but Whiskey didn't care. Knocker told me that it was okay, but that Whiskey needed to be punished, so I took a stick and whacked him like Knocker told me to. Knocker told me to hit him once more, then again, then three and four and five and six times more. But then Whiskey stopped moving and there was blood everywhere. I didn't see the blood until I stopped, and then it was too late. Knocker told me that when Whiskey scratched me, he took some of my blood, so now we took some of his and we were even. Knocker helped me to find a good spot in the garden to hide him, and I dug and dug and dug until there was a big hole and then I put him in and I kissed him goodbye and covered him with dirt until he was like a little seed that would grow into a beautiful flower. Then Knocker told me how to clean up and I did and I never told Ma because Knocker said she wouldn't understand.

I take an umbrella with me to go into Rodger's room, but when I go in, all of the stuffed animals are back on the shelves except for Holmer, who is in the dark corner crying. I ask him what's wrong and he says that I killed Rodger. He says that Knocker is bad and is making me do bad things, but when I look at Knocker, his face is all blank and he doesn't say nothin'. I know that Knocker would be mad if I believed Holmer, but he knows I don't so he's okay. I do sometimes wonder, though, if Knocker is bad. But Knocker is my friend, and I'm not bad so he can't be bad. Good can't be friends with Bad. Right?

I walk up to Rodger's bed cage and I unlock it like Knocker tells me, and then I lift Rodger's body up and I take him out of the room. I leave the umbrella on the floor in Rodger's room.

Rodger is small but heavy, but I am strong so I carry him okay. I slide open the glass door that leads outside and I carry Rodger out. I put him down and then look at Knocker to tell me what to do next, but he's not with me!

I run back to Rodger's room and I see Knocker and Holmer fighting again. Knocker rips off Holmer's other arm, and I scream at him to stop because now he is hitting Holmer with Holmer's own arm! Knocker looks at me, and his face is really mad. He says to go and bury the body while he finishes Holmer. I run over and then kick Knocker with my foot so the he flies to the wall like Holmer before. I pick up Holmer and I rock him in my arms like a baby. But then Knocker is running towards us and growling and I scream and run out of the room and slap the door. I am crying and crying and crying because Knocker is my friend but I think he really is bad so I don't know anymore. I don't know I don't know!

I look down at Holmer and whisper to him: "Are you okay?"

Holmer is crying, too, probably because he misses his arms. I've seen Ma sew things back up again, like when I fell and the ground ripped my pants. Ma took a needle and a string and she made it all one again! Maybe I could do that to Holmer! But I remember that Ma wouldn't let me near the needle because she said it was sharp, so maybe not that, at least not now. "Maybe when I'm older." I tell Holmer, and he nods because he is smart and he understands even if I didn't say nothin'.

But then Holmer wipes away his tears and he says to me some things. He says not to open the door to Rodger's room again because it's too dangerous. He tells me that Knocker is not very nice and that since I helped him, Knocker is not my friend anymore. I don't really know for sure about that because sometimes Knocker is mad at me so he doesn't talk, or sometimes he calls me names like sheep, or fish, but then later he is okay and we're friends again.

I bring Holmer to the kitchen because that is where the screen door is that leads outside to the backyard. When Holmer sees Rodger, he looks very scared but I don't know why. He says that everything is going to be alright because when Ma comes home I will tell her that I covered Rodger's face so he'd stop crying but then he stopped breathing. Holmer tells me that I have to tell Ma that it was an accident. But I know that it wasn't an accident because Knocker knew what he was doing. Rodger didn't like Knocker and Knocker didn't like Rodger.

It is really quiet because I am thinking about what Holmer said, but then knock knock. I am scared because I know it's Knocker. Knock knock knock. It's like a drum.