Knocker

Morning

Dreams are weird. When you wake up they're suddenly shorter and sometimes they're really blurry. I know it was all a dream. It was a long dream, and scary. But I don't remember what it was about.

Ma made me breakfast. It's toast and jam and it's yummy. She asks how I slept, but by now I don't even remember if I dreamt at all, so I say "Okay."

Rodger starts crying just as Ma sits down, and then she goes to get him. I think, I hate him. But I also think, I love him. Can you love and hate someone at the same time? I didn't think so but I guess so.

As Ma cleans our plates, I stare straight forward. There's a picture there, hanging on the wall. It's a picture of a pretty lake with trees. The glass is cracked and the picture is tilted. I suddenly remember that I did, in fact, have a dream. And that picture wasn't in it.

"Ma?"

"Yes, hon?"

"Where's Daddy and when is he coming home?"

Ma freezes and turns off the running water. She waits a second with her back turned towards me, and I wonder if she is stuck.

I don't know where the question came from. Maybe it was the dream that I can't remember. I don't think it's such a big and hard question, but I am wrong because Ma brings me into the living room and says to sit. She gets Rodger and puts him in his bouncy-thing.

She starts to talk. She is talking a lot and she is explaining things to me. Things like that Daddy was sick and had to go away. Things like "Don't you remember when he thought there was a bat..." and "Remember when he got mad..."

I don't hear all of it, but I know that she is saying he isn't coming back. I look over into the kitchen at the cracked picture, and I feel glad.

Memories are funny, too. Sometimes it's like they don't even exist at all until you see something or someone says something that reminds you, and suddenly you're inside a memory...inside the past.

I am inside the past as Ma keeps talking. I am still sitting on the couch, but now I am also younger and I'm in bed. I am sleepy but not asleep. My eyes are closed and I'm on my side facing the door. I am all bundled up inside the blankets and it's cozy.

Then.

Knock, knock.

I'm too sleepy to open my eyes. I'm almost asleep, like I'm in between dreams and real life.

Knock knock knock.

I think, Go away, Knocker.

Knock knock.

Then the knocking stops, but there's still noise. I realize it's Ma and Daddy talking. Ma is not happy and Daddy isn't either.

"...sick. You need help," Ma says.

Help with what? I wish I could hear better.

"...expect me to leave my boy..." says Daddy. "Don't. Don't! Put it down, sweetheart. Put it down now. Listen to me!"

"Get out."

"...please. Let's talk about this..."

"Get out!"

"Keep your voice... Alright! Alright!"

Then there's a slam and he's gone.

I blink and I'm back with Ma in the living room. She is still talking, and there's water in her eyes and she's looking at me.

"He was hurting us. He wasn't right in the head. He loves you, hon, but he had to go away."

I smile and I'm crying now, too. I open my arms wide and go to hug her, but then there's a noise. There's knocking.

I want to run and hide but I'm frozen.

But then I see that Ma heard the knocking, too. It's just someone at the door. A delivery man or something. Ma tells me to wait there with Rodger, and I do. I wait like a good boy. I hear the door open and I hear Ma gasp.

They're whispering so I can't hear a lot, so I creep closer, out of the living room and into the kitchen. I peek past the wall to see who is there, but I'm too scared to get caught so I only see Ma. She is covering her mouth with her hand and looking at the floor, or maybe at the other person's feet.

I can hear the other person talking now: "Doc says I'm better, sweetheart. I'm all better now and I've got pills. I'm so sorry."

Ma is crying, and then I see him hug her, and he sees me.

"Is that... Is that my boy? Tommy?"

I walk out so he can see me, because I know he wants me to and if I don't he'll get mad.

"My boy..."

Daddy is crying now, too, and so am I, but not for the same reason.

He is holding a bag and he says, "I got a little something for you, champ." He puts his hand in and when it's out again there's a teddy bear with button eyes. I don't know why, but there's something about that teddy bear that is very, very wrong.

He holds it out and jiggles it, as if saying come take it. Now.

I step a little closer and reach out to take it. I think I'll name him Knocker.

Then Daddy goes on one knee and holds out his arms. I know he wants a hug, and I know I have to give him one, so I do.