Knocker

Not My Fault!

It's not my fault.

Ma falls to the floor.

It's not my fault.

Ma's nightie is covering in blood.

It's not my fault.

The knocking has stopped.

It's not my fault.

Ma's having trouble breathing, that's how upset she is.

It's not my fault.

She's like Rodger; it's not my fault.

It's not my fault.

It's not my fault.

It's not my fault.

"Oh, but you're wrong," a voice says. "It is your fault, Tommy, don't you see?"

No no no. Please, I'm so sorry Ma.

"It's your fault."

MA, I'M SORRY.

"I may have told you to kill Whiskey and Rodger, but you did this one all by yourself."

It's Mr Whiskers.

"Yessir, this one was all you."

The voice isn't in my head anymore. Now I'm scared.

A new voice says, "Don't listen to him, Tommy."

I look over Ma and see Holmer. He's having trouble walking, but he's still coming slowly.

"It was not your fault, Tommy."

I sniff.

Knocker yells, "You stay out of this!"

"Tommy, everything's going to be okay..."

My face is hot and wet and my hands are shaking. I drop the knife and it clangs on the ground.

I take a shaky breath in, and say, "But everything's not okay. Everything is wrong. Really really wrong." And it was all my fault. Mr Whiskers was my fault, Rodger was my fault, and now Ma is hurt, too. And it's really bad. And it's my fault.

Holmer is running to my side and he is saying "It's okay it's okay," over and over again.

I'm on my knees now, and I can't see there's too much water in my eyes.

But I can feel the knife near my fingers and I let my fingers dance on the handle. It's such a wonderful feeling, but I can't really explain it. My fingers curl, all by themselves, around the handle and squeeze. I turn it over in my hands a few times.

Then I push Holmer back with my other hand and he falls back on his back with an ouff and thud.

 I can hear Knocker now, shuffling around in the garbage bin behind the cupboard. He sounds excited.

I stand up with the knife sitting in my palm and I glare down at Holmer. He didn't help. He was wrong. Wrong about Ma, wrong about Knocker, and wrong about me. All I feel is anger now and it's like a fire inside of me, like a giant candle and the wax is melting fast fast fast.

"Goodbye," I say and then chop off Holmer's head. I hear a tiny little breath escape, and then there's silence and for a second it scares me.