Knocker

Just Leave!

Ma runs into the kitchen. I hear her but my back is turned so I don't see her. I can't look at her. She'll be worried if she sees the knife. She doesn't understand. She's never understood and she won't now, even if I tell her that I need to kill Knocker. And even if she understands that Knocker needs to die, she won't let me kill him myself, like I know I have to. She'll try to help. It's too dangerous for her to help. I don't want her to get hurt.

"Tommy, dear?" she says. She's scared, I can tell. She's very scared–of Knocker.

My face is wet now but I don't remember crying. I wipe my face with my hand that's not holding the knife.

"Tommy...?" I feel her hand on my shoulder. She's trying to turn me around.

Just leave... I think really hard because maybe she'll hear my thoughts if they're really loud.

"Honey...?"

"No!" I turn around fast and I hear a squish-like sound.

I look at Ma and she is shaking and looking down at her stomach. It has a hole in it now.

Then I look down at my hand with the knife and it has really dark red jelly on it. It's not like the jelly you put on bread, or sometimes toast. It's not the kind that goes with peanut-butter. And it's not like when you have a berry in your hand and you squeeze it and then you get your fingers all reddish pink. 

It's the kind of jelly that comes out of your finger when you prick it with a needle even though your ma told you to be careful. But it's not a tiny little bit that you can wash away and put a band-aid on. No, it's too much for that. The hole in Ma's stomach is too big for that.

I told her to just leave. Now look what happened.