Knocker

Ma

Knocker hears Ma and he struggles and struggles and tries to get his foot free from my hand. I throw Knocker to the wall furthest from the door, I scoop up Holmer gently and then I run to Ma. Holmer is very sad because he hurts a lot, but I tell him that it's okay because now Ma is home and she is going to help me kill Knocker and then we can help Rodger be alive again instead of burry him. I saw people do it on T.V. once.

"Ma! Ma!" I run to her open arms and we hug for a second but then I pull away and I say, "It's Knocker, Ma. He's bad bad bad."

But Ma ignores me and looks at Holmer with a frown. "Aww, what happened to this little guy?"

"Knocker did it, Ma!"

"Your teddy bear?"

"Yeah yeah, he is bad bad and we need to–"

"Tommy, Ma's really tired, okay?"

"But Ma–"

Knock knock knock.

"It's him!" I tell her. "Knocker is in Rodger's room!" I pull on her sleeve towards Rodger's room but she stops.

"What are you talking about?" Ma goes on one knee, grabs my shoulders and looks into my eyes. Her eyes are green, not blue.

Knock knock knock.

"Listen," I tell her, and she does.

It's all really quiet until knock knock. "You hear that?"

"Honey, calm down,"

"I am calm! I am always calm because Knocker tells me to stay calm but not now because he is bad!"

"Knocker... tells you...?" Ma is really slow and she is not understanding. Sometimes grown-ups don't understand. I am crying and crying and there are two rivers down my face and they are falling to the ground and it's like a waterfall.

"Holmer said you'd get it," I tell her. "Holmer said that you'd understand and you'd help me with Rodger and kill Knocker, and that you'd still love me."

Ma looks really confused and I am angry that she isn't listening and not understanding and not helping me to feel better like Holmer did, and she's not telling me what to do and fixing things like Knocker used to do. And then I wonder if I chose the wrong side and if I should have just listened to Knocker and maybe I'm bad not him. Am I bad?

Holmer looks up at me and I look down at him. He tells me that I have to explain to her about Rodger, but I don't think I can because I am not breathing right. I am not breathing in and out, I am having trouble breathing in in in. I am shaking and Ma is worried and then her eyes go over to the kitchen, and her eyes go wide wide wide and she runs towards the kitchen. She opens the screen door and bends down beside Rodger.

I have to explain now now now, so: "He was screaming loud so I put the pillow over his mouth so he'd stop, and he stopped breathing and now–"

Ma isn't listening because she is crying and trying not to but she is screaming screaming and holding Rodger towards her chest, and I know that it was me, it was me who did this. I want to scream too but then I hear knock knock knock. Holmer says it will be okay but he was wrong about her still loving me and Ma isn't understanding so I don't know! I need Knocker! I need him!