Knocker

Knock Knock

I'm not allowed to see Knocker anymore.

Supper is carrots that are soft and potatoes that are mashed and chicken nuggets with sauce. Normally it is all yum. But tonight I'm not hungry.

At the table I move around the carrots and play with the nuggets. I am always looking over at where the sound is coming from–the knocking. Ma is always looking at me with a sad and worried and I think also scared face. She tries to hide it when I turn back towards her, but I always see. She can't hear Knocker and that means I am alone with him. And Knocker is upset with me because I broke the promise. I said the secret. I disobeyed.

Ma wasn't supposed to know about Knocker. Knocker said she wouldn't understand us. Knocker said that the world was against us because of our friendship.

I never believed everything Knocker told me, but I just kept quiet because Knocker would have been mad, mad, very very mad.

After supper I ask Ma to fix Holmer and she does with a sharp needle. I am scared that she will hurt him, but he keeps quiet so I don't know if he wants me to say anything. The new threads that hold him together are dark brown and he looks very nice. He lost a lot of stuffing and he's weaker now but he's still okay. He's still himself. Just without arms because one is under Rodger's bed and the other is in the dark parts of Rodger's room and I'm not allowed to go in there either.

When it's bed time I don't want to go to sleep, and Ma watches a little bit of T.V. with me, but just a little bit. We watch the nature channel because Ma doesn't like cartoons and I'm not allowed to watch her shows. We are cuddled up comfy on the sofa with warm blankets and on the T.V. there is a picture of a bunch of antelopes who are a big happy family. But they're a really big family, not like our family, our family that is even smaller now because Rodger is gone and so is Knocker and Daddy left a long time ago but he's not dead just sick and he might be back soon.

The antelopes have long legs and long horns and they're sort of brown-orange with white and a black stripe on their sides. I think only some have the black stripe though. There are babies and mas' and daddies but there are no Knockers. But then I think I see the Knocker when all the antelopes start to move and then run. There is a Knocker–a lion, Ma says–that starts to chase them. The calm deep voice of the nature channel says something to explain something but the volume is too low. The lion is really fast but the antelopes have long legs and they go fast, too. Then I see a baby antelope that is not fast enough and the lion is coming closer and closer...

Ma turns off the T.V. and says time for bed.

My room is dark and scary because my nightlight is broken. Ma says she can leave the door open for light, but I say no no close it please and thank you goodnight.

I sleep with Holmer and I decide that I really like him now. I think everything's okay now.

Then I hear knock knock knock knock knock knock...

I hug Holmer tighter and tighter. He says I'm hurting him but I can't stop I'm so scared.