Alien //Part 1 Namjoon

Break Down

Today was a bad day. I haven't seen Namjoon much the last few days as he had to go to school. It was Friday so we will go shopping tomorrow. But that didn't lift my mood.

Since I arrived in Goyang I was depressed from time to time but it never was as bad as today. Namjoon gave me homework today too but I didn't even care. I was sitting in my bed cuddled into my blanket and cried. I just cried. I don't know why but all the memories came back. Memories that I tried to keep locked up in the deepest corner of my mind.

After doing practically nothing for hours I looked through my contact list and found the name I was searching for. It should be 8am in Germany by now... I called the number and waited.

"Praxis Stein, Silke Meier am Apparat was kann ich für Sie tun?" (doctor's office "Stein", Silke Meier talking. How can I help you?)
I heard the overly nice voice of the secretary which made me sick. I never liked that woman...

"Kann ich bitte mit Frau Dr. Stein sprechen?" (Could I speak with Doctor Stein?)
I tried to sound like I wasn't crying for the last two hours and waited for her to connect me to the psychologist.

She answered with a calm and soothing voice. "Mila bist du das?" (Mila is that you?)

I nodded even though I knew she can't see me. But I didn't want my voice to crack while talking.

"Du hast lange nicht mehr angerufen ich hab schon gehofft dass es dir besser geht. Auch wenn ich es bezweifelt habe. Wie geht es dir heute?" (you haven't called in a long time. I already hoped you are already better. I doubted it though. How are you today?") she didn't even ask why I called her in Germany from Korea and if that isn't expensive. She just knows that I needed help. That's why I liked her.

I broke down in tears again and just sobbed my problems in the speaker. She listened carefully and let me speak. When I was finished she tried to help me.

"Mila das was du durchstehen musstest war wirklich traumatisierend. Du kannst das nich alleine überstehen. Ich kann dir als Psychologin nur bedingt helfen über diese Entfernung. Du musst dir jemanden suchen dem du dich anvertrauen kannst und der dich emotional unterstützt." (Mila what you had to go through was traumatizing. You can't get through this without any help. And I can't help you sufficiently over this distance. You need to find someone who listens to you and supports you emotionally.)

I nodded and hung up. I went into the bathroom and looked at my reflection in the mirror. My eyes were red and puffy from all the crying and my brown hair was in a messy bun. I hated looking at my short figure. Ever since that day. But today I was disgusted.
I looked at the photo that I held in my hand since it fell out of a box. I cried again and clenched my hands into fists.

Why?

I climbed back into my bed and cried myself to sleep.

-

I heard a knock at my door.

"Mila are you in there? Why have you locked yourself up? Are you alright?"

I growled at Namjoon's nice voice. I didn't want to see him and I didn't want him to see me like this. I told him to go away but he insisted on coming inside.

I hesitantly got up and unlocked the door. I turned my back to the door right after turning the key and hid myself in my blankets again.

I practically heard him frowning and criticising me internally as my room looked like shit. I heard him stepping towards the pile of blankets and clothes that was me and sat down.
He asked calmly what happened and if I am okay.

"I don't wanna talk about it" I answered harshly.

"But why I mean I could help yo-"

"I said I don't wanna talk about it" I interrupted him sharply looking out of my blanket and giving him a look that could have cut trees.
I didn't want to be this mean to him. But I couldn't help it. I was wreck at that moment and I low-key hoped he will forgive me for my behavior.
I needed help I knew that. But I didn't want to ask anyone for help. I didn't want to appear weak.

But I didn't need to ask for help. Namjoon realized it himself and smiled at me a bit pained caressing my head. He reassured me that I can trust him and that some problems can't be solved alone. He saw how broken I was inside. And I felt the tears welling up again. I cried again. I threw myself into his arms and cried into his chest. He wrapped his arms around me and patted my back.

I told him everything. Everything about my past and why I was here. I told him about my father's death 16 years ago and about my childhood. Not about the funny parts like the first day we met but about the depressing ones. The problems I had due to looking neither asian nor german and everything.
I talked about my mother. How close we were. At some times she was my only friend because the others thought I was weird. And finally I told him about the accident.

The one half a year ago.

The one in which my mother died...