Waste the night || Lashton

Epilogue

*Trigger warning*

It had been 2 weeks since Ashton had died. He hadn't survived the surgery, he hadn't strayed strong, like he promised. But I couldn't blame him, it wasn't his fault. I was angry, not at him but at the world, at God, even though I doubted his existence more than ever now.

Those 2 weeks were the longest 2 weeks I have ever experienced. It felt more like years that I had been grieving for.

My life right now was like a smashed plate; shattered, the pieces so small that they were unfixable. I had barely ate or drank anything since his death and I spent most of my days in the cemetery, sitting next to his grave stone, just so I could be near him.

For the first week I had spent hours crying uncontrollably, and Ashton wasn't there to comfort me this time. I would sob till my chest ached and my body shook, till I could hardly breath and I felt like I was going to throw up.

Now I could no longer cry. I had cried so much that I was unable to cry anymore, and I just sat in silence, completely trapped by my own thoughts.

I no longer felt grief and depression, I just felt numb. I honestly preferred feeling something, rather than nothing at all. I would rather feel pain than feel the empty, hollow feeling I was experiencing now.

I hadn't spoken since Ashtons death, even though I didn't really have anyone to talk to anyway. I had become optionally mute. Michael had moved back in with his parents because he couldn't cope with the loss and I hadn't bothered going back to school. Going to school would have been waste of time anyway, I had build an invisible wall around me, blocking me off from the world, so the only thing I could hear was my own thoughts taking over my brain. They were mentally killing me.

I looked a wreck as well. I had become dangerously skinny and my skin was ghostly pale. My eyes were no longer a radiant blue, rather a dull grey colour. My hair was very messy and unkept and I rarely showered. I had giant bags under my eyes and I had such dark under eye circles that it looked like I had been punched in the face. I could hardly look at myself in the mirror, it just made me hate myself more, and hate my life more.

It feels like my heart has been ripped out my chest and stepped on right before my eyes. And now that it was no longer in my chest, I could no longer feel. Is that what love is really about?

I was sat on my usual spot on the floor, in front of my window that faced the city and horizon. It was raining again. This time the rain drops weren't racing each other down the window, but were running down the window as if they trying to get away from the unbearable pain of falling in love. Much like me.

I looked down at my hand, opening it to reveal 15 odd sleeping pills resting on my palm. No one would notice if I left. No one would care. I was tired of fighting and I no longer felt the need to. I had been surviving rather than living for so long, that I couldn't remember what it was like to live, to be truly happy. I didn't want to survive anymore, I couldn't.

I looked out at horizon once more before chucking all the pills in my mouth. I grabbed my water and took a mouthful, swallowing all the pills and feeling a giant lump in my throat, yet I didn't regret it. I quickly began to feel drowsy and weak, yet it felt calming.

I pictured Ashton one last time; his curly hazel hair catching the light, his soft hazel-green eyes filled with so much life and his smile being the widest, brightest smile I'd ever seen. And with that I slowly drifted away and everything went black.

I had drowned, because I no longer had my life ring to keep me afloat and save me.

{ The End }

This is the end of the story! I know it was quite short but I didn't want it to drag and I managed to write everything I wanted for this fanfiction.
I know some of you will probably want to kill me for the ending and I'm sorry, but I wanted to make this story realistic because not everything has a happy ending. Plus I much prefer stories with sad endings because they have more of an impact on me and I tend to remember them for a lot longer.
I'm also pessimistic so it's easier for me to write a sad ending rather than a happy one. I had also had the ending planned from the very start of the story and I even wrote the epilogue around chapter 6.
I would like to say a massive thank you to anyone that's read this story because it means a lot to me that people actually enjoy my writing (my English teacher doesn't.) Also thank you if you ever voted or commented on this fanfiction because it really helps getting feedback and I appreciate it.
I would like to say a special thank you to Safety_Pin_ lashtons_bandanas & Food_Netflix_Vines13 because you guys have been incredibly supportive through out me writing this and you were all so nice with your comments and votes. I'm not sure if I would have updated as quickly as I did if you guys weren't active readers, so thank you.
When I first started writing this fanfiction I didn't think I would cover some of the topics I did, however, I hope this has raised some aware for mental illnesses and different sexuality's. 
Love you all~ Hannah X