Lost In The Mind of Me

Part title

So, like all people, except for my sister Judy, I have had shitty relationships. Like a lot. So, let's begin with my best friend.

When I first met him, we were 9. After years of moving because we were poor as all hell, we found a house we stayed at. For almost 7 years.

I saw him on my first day. We looked at each other, and quickly looked away. After about 5 weeks, he came and spoke to me. Granted he was cute with his chubby cheeks and puppy dog eyes, but way back then, I was into girls only. He started flirting with me after after school gymnastics. I was of course wearing 4 inch, hot pink wedges. So, I smiled at him, brought my leg back, and kicked his shin. We were best friends after that.

We did everything together for a whole 2 years. I was smiling, talking, and I forgot the pain from my dad. So, Joe and I had a lot of things in common. We liked the same genre of music, favorite song, sports, singing, well yeah, you get it.

So, this is where the love story comes in. Her name was Gabby. She was just special. I don't remember why I liked her so much, I just did. Well, I wasn't ready to come out of the closet yet, so I pretended it was Joe that I was crushing on.

Then, in 6th grade, I fell hard for him. Damn did it hurt. Well, the effects of how I reacted did anyway. See, Joe was always making me smile, whether I was angry, sad, or just moody, and he made me feel happy.

And then I fucked it up. I was always honest with Joe, which caused him to back off. Which hurt a lot. So, I went and told him that I liked him, and when I asked if he liked me back, he said he didn't know. So, he backed up a lot. And I fell hard.

I remember how I knew I fell for him.

It was the first day of 6th grade. I was running late. Which I'm usually late. So, I calmly walked into the gymnasium where all the school was. I was of course dressed in the most nerdiest of outfits, with my baggy t-shirt that had the school logo on it, my favorite purple plaid skirt, and my red hair in pigtails. So, naturally everyone looked at me as I walked in well over 20 minutes late, and looked for my friends and sat by them.

I didn't see Joe until lunch, and when I did, well you know that whole thing about the angels singing and all you see is that person? Well, it was like that except instead of angels it was a bunch of people. My heart had skipped a beat. He was the new sun of my universe, as well as the mark on my wrists. I love him still, even if we no longer talk.

I honestly tried to get over it. The methods I turned to were dark. I dragged a blade across my skin. I took 16 cymbalta, then I tried taking half a bottle of advil, and let a blade tickle my throat, though I never could do more than get a constant stream of blood for like 10 minutes, and the pills didn't do anything. I tried to hurt myself by doing stupid stuff, like jumping out of a tree, not taking my medicine, just anything to feel a pain to blur the pain of rejection. I've done a lot of things that i'm not proud of. Things that have broken me beyond repair. But I don't want to take it back. It shows how far I've come since then.

When I was 2, social services decided I needed to socialize. So, I was put in daycare. Well, I was playing with a little hot wheels car, and a kid had dropped a broom on my head. As the story goes, I gave the kid 2 black eyes and a bloody nose, and I got kicked out. Then, daddy took me out for ice cream.

A big majority of my issues started when I was 6. It's funny, one day you have a big, happy family, and then the next you're hiding from the screaming voices of your parents as they argue about I don't even know what.

Mom and dad used to take me out on the fourth of july, because my birthday is July 7th. my 6th birthday we did that, and it was a happy day. We watched the fireworks, laughed, had cake and drank Mountain Dew. And then 2 weeks later they split.

I love mom to death but when she dragged me away from my daddy, I didn't want her to talk to me. With my daddy, he is a strange sort of man. He chooses his video games over me, he chooses Judy over me, me, his kid, but whatever.

With Danny, we didn't really understand one another at first. I know now that all he ever did was teach me a good way to go about life. I just didn't understand that until recently, and I'm still working on it.

Well, when mom and dad split, I had to live with my mom and her new boyfriend Danny. At first Danny terrified me. For 6 years. Of course he didn't 'play' nicely. When I didn't mind him, he punished me. I never really understood him. He swore up and down he was helping me, but still hurt me. But hey, I got one hell of a tolerance for pain now so.

We had been living with Danny and his brother Jason for like 3 months, but then we got evicted and went and lived with an old friend of moms. Her name was Angel. She had 3 kids, Austin who was 4 years older than me, Cody who was 3 years younger than me, and Cassie, I can't remember her age.

You know how all anyone ever wants to do is fit in? Well, Austin told me he would show me how to be cool. And he showed me that i'm allergic to pot, cocaine, and heroine. I must say though, before I had an allergic reaction, heroine was amazing. It was like flying on a cloud with everyone just standing in a pile of shit and you didn't care because it was relaxing. I also learned that I can do meth. I also learned why sex is so terrifying. He had taken me by the hand to his room, to show me something cool, right? so I go with him, and he slams the door behind him and pushed me onto the bed. He stripped me of all my clothing and touched me, in places. Lucky me, mom pulled into the driveway and he got off me because he was going to, well, yeah. He told me, if I told anyone, he'd kill me. And I didn't until I was 14 years old. Before then he had touched me inappropriately quite often.

When people ask if I've been raped by the boys who did this, I can't bring myself to face the truth. I've pretended for a long time this never happened, but it did. And the answer that I can't say aloud is, yes, they did.

After that we found a house and moved. I was in my first grade class, and my eyes found a beautiful crystal blue pair looking back. We both blushed and turned away. Bobby was always a sweetie to me. On valentine's day he kissed my cheek and so our relationship began.

He had unknowingly saved my life. I was already wanting to call a quits. But I didn't. He was the one that gave me a shoulder to cry on, and he made me smile, and he would walk with me, we actually used to collect pine cones together as a collection. But then he got a girlfriend and we stopped hanging out.

Then, there is Levi. I do not know how to explain things with him. He would always want me to play, 'missions' which was like teen titans, and he was Robin and I was Starfire, because I was to nice to say no. He has had an obsession with me that was kind of weird. but I guess it'0s okay because I finally dated him for a month before high school. He wanted sex and I told him no. so he split, but swears he still loves me. I don't know what to think.

So, in 4th grade, I transferred schools for the 18th time, the last elementary. Thats where I met Joe, Shelby, and Nicole. Daddy lived with us. He'd come and he'd go.

The first time daddy walked out screaming he hated me, I was 8.

The first time I tried suicide, I was 7.

The first time I cut, I was 6.

In 7th grade I learned how gutless I am. Same year I almost kissed Joe. Same year I had to transfer yet again. Of course I was already low on self esteem so the last thing I needed was this.