Lost In The Mind of Me

Part title

After Silvester, came Orion. Whom I hate very much now for what he did.

Orion was with Ashley when we started talking. I wasn't looking for a relationship. Especially not long distance, which would happen because I was supposed to be moving to New Mexico with my dad this last summer.

Orion talked to me a lot. He asked a lot of questions. Then, as fate would have it, he and Ashley broke up. He was "devastated." He started calling me babe and he flirted and what not. On June 11, I asked if he and I were together. He said yes.

I was happy, but scared. What if he cheated? What if I fucked it up?

Orion has a lot of issues. He has multiple personalities, PTSD, depression, anxiety, and I can't remember what else. I talked to one of his other personalities before we started dating. Hex told me Orion really liked me, and I confessed that I wasn't sure about long distance.

Guess who got their way.

On June 19, I went on a road trip with my dad. I saw my grandma and more family that lived in Texas. Then I arrived at my dad and Uncle Larry's house. It was peaceful. I spoke to Orion everyday through Facebook, as I didn't have a phone. Of course, right before I left New Mexico, Aunt Jean gave me her old phone.

From July 11 till, well, now, I stayed with mom. First it was because of my hand, then it was my mom didn't want to loose me, and now its just flat out my dad doesn't seem to want me like he said he did.

So, since I got my phone turned on when I got back, I spoke to Orion non-stop. We would text, call, Snapchat, Kik, Facebook message, everything. He became my best friend in the sense that I told him everything that was going on. I did my chores everyday, then I studied, practiced violin, and read. All while still talking to him. He became part of my daily cycle.

I truly did love Orion, maybe I still do, but I can't find it under all the hurt and hatred.

I was so deeply attracted to him. I didn't love him because I needed him, but I needed him because I loved him.

Silver, on the other hand, was more like a distraction. Right as Antonio left, Silvester came in and filled the hole. I love silver as a brother and a friend. I was romantically involved with him because I was lonely, not because I liked him in that way. I feel like shit about it, of course, but it's true.

Orion didn't move like Silver did. He slithered in like a Boa stalking its prey. He became more and more important to me. It felt like I was more healed when he came, and for a while, I was. It helped. His age hadn't bothered me, except that he slept in later than I did.

He's 20. Almost 21.

The first time we saw each other after we started dating was July 26. I had writer's club at the library so he met me there. It was awkward at first. First kiss and everything. He tasted of menthol cigarettes, and smelt like outside. I was hypnotized by him. Maybe that's why it hurts so bad.

At writers club at the Anythink Library, there was a guest. A brilliant writer, in my opinion. Author of Long Life The Suicide King, The Never Prayer, Elizabeth's Midnight, etc.. Aaron Michael Ritchy.

He taught us about writing structure in a story. He also had us write short stories to read aloud to the group. I received a signed copy of Long Life Thew Suicide King, in which he added "look for light." because my short story was dark and depressing.

At the time I was relatively happy. Then School started.

I tried to get into an online school, but mom had no motivation. She had finally got the application in and I had to wait. So I went to school. Orchestra, off hour, Bollman, lunch AP Language and Comp., Math 3 (which was changed to Mr. Clemenhagen's TA because I refused to retake Math 3), then AP U.S. History. As much as I didn't want to, I fell in love with my classes.

So why did I speak to Silvester?

Well, I take pride in being kind and loving, and everyone thought I hated Silver. No, he made me feel guilty, so I caved and spoke to him.

Orion was pissed. We had a fight and we broke up.

I never really understood anger. It's so violent, and yet it's everywhere. Its very core makes us human.

Anyway, Orion was again "devestated" and I caved. We got back together.

Next, he ignored me for a week. If you read chapter 6 you'll understand why that's bad. I broke up with him, yadda yadda same old song and dance.

During this time, I grew evidently more depressed. Even Christina(my violin), Ellen Hopkins, Edgar Allen Poe, and Ayn rand couldn't save me.

Then came October 27, 2015.

About 20 gabapetin, 15 lymictal, and 8 remron.

I wanted peace from the hunger of the blade and grave.

Can't a girl get some rest?

But no, I can't. I had reached out to Orion before hand.

LSD. He was too high to help. Mom read the messages the next morning and vióla, I'm at the hospital.

Of course I broke up with him for that one. But you know, I guess I hadn't learned well enough, so I went back for a fourth go, just to ensure how idiotic I am.

Mom abandoned me.

Stormed out of a family meeting and said I was Jimmy's problem now.

Yeah, um, no.

Anyway, phones were shut off so we couldn't get ahold of her and all that. I had a great halloween. Well, as great as a hospital can get anyway.

Freshly out of the hospital, I was faced with an epic battle.

Another eviction. Another try with Orion. Nick. And moving.

Strasburg is a tiny town just outside of Byers Colorado. That's where I ended up.

Nick was in orchestra with me, and I had a crush on him since I had gotten there.

We broke up because I didn't want long distance.

I'm an idiot.