Lost In The Mind of Me

I Found Light

When I was in the hospital the second time, I met a pastor. I don't remember his name, but he was a kind older gentleman.

I used to be afraid of religion because of my family. But, in that hospital, I found a light I never believed existed.

I found God.

October 30, 2015

I met with the pastor, who was there giving a service for the psycho kids. He talked with me for an hour about religion, life, death, suicide, depression, so on and so forth. He suggested that I 'fake it till I make it' meaning that, even if I didn't fully believe in the words I said, I should pray and ask for forgiveness. Even if it wasn't the Lord I was asking, I needed to be forgiven for my sins.

That night, I got down on my knees, and I spoke to God like I speak to Abbie. I was honest, and pleading. Then, I got a phone call.

To hear Christopher's voice saying I miss you, it was a blow not only to my heart, but the wall that kept it from faith.

So, every night in that hospital, I prayed. I prayed when my mom walked out. I prayed when I learned the truth of how worthless Orion was. I prayed for the people in the hospital, and the people who love them. Most of all, I prayed for love.

I was so tired of being hurt, of being treated like dirt.

God's gift came to me in August of 2016. His name is Levi.

When we got out of school for the summer, we left Strausburg.

I got a job in the Popeye's in my mom's store. We moved from RV park to RV park.

Towards the end of summer, mom and Danny decided to settle in Kiowa, so us kids could go to school.

On back to school night, I was drawn to the football field. I mean, yeah, I love football, but this draw was different.

I had to be on that field.

My second day of practice, I met Levi. At the time, I had decided to be lesbian because I was so mad at guys. And then Levi showed up. Thanks, God.

He was silly, and highly sarcastic. He loved football, and he was cute.

And his eyes. I have never seen any like them. The light turquoise is more blue than green, and it's a light blue, like shallow water. There is determination reflecting in them, reflecting his soul.

He continued to talk to me, and we became good friends quickly.

What really hit it off was I had said he was attractive. Because he is. We swapped phone numbers and everything, and he started questioning me and everything, got to know me better.

I admitted I had a crush, and he did too. We attend youth group together, and church.

It's amazing when you finally understand why you've gone through Hell, why you have struggled so much.

Mine is Levi. It probably always was.

He loves me. He doesn't need words to prove it, he doesn't even need actions. I feel it in every second of the day. It pulsates with the beating of my heart and his because I am from flesh of his flesh, the bone of his bone, the body of his body.  I was made for him because he is Adam and I am his rib. He is perfection because God made me for him.

I love him. And I am his.

He is the light to my dark, the point to my round, the strength to my struggle, the blood of my life, the bone of my structure. He is mine.

And I know that I have been deceived into thinking close enough was enough for me, but I see the light. I see our future.

I see my husband getting honorably discharged from the marines. I see him vowing to protect the innocent and capture the guilty.

I see my children with his smile and eyes.

I see him watching as I walk to get my PhD.

I see him rubbing my shoulders as I work on a new cure.

I see him.

And that is everything.

And everything is enough.

My name is Genevieve Ann Anglin and I am enough.