Lost In The Mind of Me

Part title

(Freshman Year)

November blurred for me. I don't really understand it.

There was this cute kid in my health class named Seth. He was real sweet on me.

In the begging of December he asked me out. I said yes.

Then he disappeared for a few days.

The day he came back, he got back together with his ex boyfriend.

My life sucks.

Then this supper tall, handsome junior started the flirtatious banter I have come to know so well.His name is Sean.

We got together a week before winter break. Over this break, I learned that my moms ex boyfriends' ex wife's daughter was coming to stay with us.

Christmas, of course, sucked. I missed the people I had come to love.

I was an outcast in my own family. I was different. I was sad. I was quiet.

I basically stopped talking period. I was fighting a losing battle.

A few days after Christmas, I took my mom's butcher knife. I stood in front of the mirror, knife set upon my pale neck. I found my main artery in my throat, and pushed ever so slightly. The metal felt cold and pleasant against the skin it grazed. As I looked up into the mirror, I pressed harder.

Then Chris called for me. It stung me to the point where I dropped the knife. My sweet, baby brother needed me.

Never again has the blade kissed my neck.

So in between Seth and Sean, I was sort of in a relationship with Gabbie. It was different because she was my "wife" not "girlfriend". We kissed, held each others hands, said I love you, we were basically a couple. But we weren't.

I was swimming in the endless darkness issuing from my mind.

My sister Kat was my single wake up call. She fished me out of the dark waves of the seemingly endless depression.

When she showed up, I could barely see beyond the black velvet that covered my inner eye. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think, I refused to eat, and I could barely speak. I was empty. I couldn't even feel the pain anymore that had not too long before paralyzed me.

I grew up with Kathrynn, but we had never gotten along. Like, ever. So, I am sure you can imagine my anger at how she took away what little freedom I had.

Kat got me to start talking to her, and I finally was able to get everything out, and she made everything feel okay again.

She didn't tell anyone. She was my new best friend. She hid the knives and razors from me, got me to eat, a whole bunch of good things. But she also got me to start ditching class and got me to hang out with pot smokers.

Don't get me wrong, pot smokers are cool. It's just, they didn't coincide with my nerdyness well.

I don't know what happened. I shoplifted, I was failing classes, I was ditching, I went places I wasn't supposed to, I didn't however, smoke or anything. Then Danny got me to flip around. I fixed my grades, I was in class, and I led a good example for my friends.

As I fell deeper into the dark abyss of my actions, I met someone who had wings, I just didn't know how dark.

In February, I dated a chick named Jakki. I stopped cutting the day before Valentines day, and I started writing this instead. As I write this, at this exact moment, I'm a sophomore, at a new high school, with a new guy, in a class about computers.

Back to Jakki. I am weary of her now, but I used to hate her. We got together, I liked her, we messed with her ex Antonio. Two weeks and she dumped me. I asked Gabby to dump her for me, but Jakki yelled at Gabby that she broke up with me a week before hand. Good to know, glad she told me.

I was pissed, scared, confused, and I was falling in love with Antonio.

I wish I could go back and fix things between him and I. But, he has told me that he only wants to be friends. It's painful, but it's a start.

Antonio started spending every possible minute with me. He walked me to class, got to school as early as I did, stayed on campus with me during lunch, and didn't complain until he noticed how little I was eating.

We got together on April 17. I was waiting to go to weight lifting and he was waiting with me, as he had had a tendency to do. Now, Kat and his best friend Gauge were trying to get us together. Well, Antonio and I were messing around, and my "older brother" asked if we were together officially. Antonio had said only if I say so, and I said yes.

I was doing well in school, in my health, and in my relationship. Of course Antonio made me eat, he made me laugh, he made me happy.I felt good, great even, he swore he loved me, he took care of me, I was at peace with my life.

Then Sadness came.

I have voices, Ruthless, Whiny, No-good, Lala, Diabetic, and Sadness.

They are brutes, but I managed for a little while. I cried myself to sleep listening to them, wore a fake smile to hide their words. What hurt most, was nobody noticed. Or so I thought.