What I've Been Living For

Chapter Six: Choices

"Some choices we live not only once but a thousand times over, remembering them for the rest of our live." -Richard Bach

Bella's POV

Not again. Please not again. I would give anything to not be here again, to not be here in the darkness. By myself. Alone. I could feel the darkness pressing on me, in an untangible heavy presence, crushing against my lungs, blocking out my eyes, breaking down my heart, like it always did. 

They say that dark is the absence of light, but in my case the dark is the absence of a filter, a shield to hide me away from the memories and feelings that I try so hard to escape. But here in the dark, they find me again and I'm helpless. 

I can hear his voice. His silky smooth perfect voice call to me, repeating my name in an endless chorus.

"Bella"  When he tries to get my attention

"Oh Bella" When I trip over something or stumble

"Bella" When he looks me lovingly in the eyes

"Bella" When I've put myself down

"Bella" When James had injured me.

"Bella" When he left me in the forest....when he left me in the dark. 

And just like that time in the forest, I curl up into a ball, feeling all the pain come rushing back to me. I whimper slightly, feeling my tears leave my eyes. How can it still hurt so much? How can I be so damaged inside, but perfect on the outside? How could I possibly live for an eternity feeling this pain? How?

As I laid in my position, whimpering slightly every so often that my heart decides it wants to keep beating, I envision his face. His crooked smile, his bronze-coppered colored hair that I loved to run my fingers through. His bronze eyes that mesmerized me, everytime that I looked into them. His lips, his hard, cold lips that would leave me burning for so much more, more than he would ever give me.  In the end, he was right about himself, he was the perfect predator. Everything about him was just perfect, from his voice to his scent, to the way he would walk. He held no flaws, despite the ones he created for himself and who was I to try to love this Adonis of man? 

I was nothing. I am nothing.

Even with all my gifts in the world, even with my new appearance, I knew that I would never be good enough to be with him and that thought cut through me deeper than any other wounds I had. He would never want me. 

i cried out in agony as the pain ripped through me again. 

Is this what I'm to expect for the rest of my life? Dreading the moment, I close my eyes so I wont see his face? Avoiding sleep, so I wont feel the pain? Losing myself in other matters, so I wont think of him? Is this all that's left for me?

"No" A voice called.

What, a new voice? It wasnt the usual voices of Edward or Jacob or the Cullens or Charlie. 

"Whose there?" i questioned, my body still curled up like a ball.

"I'm here" The voice responded.

"Who are you?" Slowly, uncurling myself from the position I was once in. I stood up slowly, ignoring the pain in my body, as my curiosity drove my feet to start walking in the darkness. I had no idea where I was going, yet I did. It was like my body was programmed to walk in the direction that the voice called, even though all around was dark.