What I've Been Living For

Chapter Eight: Gone

" When you're dreaming with a broken heart,

The giving up is the hardest part,

She takes you in with her crying eyes,

Then all at Once, you have to say good-bye

Wondering could you stay ,my love?

Will you wake up by my side?

No, she cant cause she's gone,

Gone, gone, gone, gone" - John Mayer, "Dreaming with a broken heart"

Edward's POV

Is it possible to feel your heart die, even if you dont have one anymore? Well, it must be because that's all I've been able to feel, ever since I left  her. My sweet Bella. Not a second goes by, where thoughts of her rush pass my mind, surrounding me in the beautiful memories of  a past,I wish I had never left. 

To hold her in my arms again, to feel her warm skin against my cold, stone body. To hear her maginifiecnt heartbeat, which had become my favorite masterpiece to hear. How it flutters when she's around me or how her breath catches in her throat, when I smile at her. Oh my dear Bella, she thought so little of herself as human, but she always failed to see the amazing creature she always was. She never could tell how much she effected me and not just by her scent. By the way, she would blush when I would compliment her, the way my name would leave her lips when she spoke it, how I desired her luscious lips more than her blood. She had no clue how much she effected me and I think that's what made me love her more. Her heart was as pure as a saint, which is why I couldnt continue on in our relationship.

How could an angel such as her, fall for the demon that I am? She deserves so much better than me. I had put her life in danger before with James and it was still in danger with Victoria. I couldnt  bear it, if Bella got hurt again and after her birthday party, I cant help but to feel that I was more a danger to her, than anyone else.

No one knows, except for Jasper, but I had almost attacked Bella at her birthday party. After months of being around her scent, I thought that I was in control of my thirst for her blood, but the tiniest drop of it hit me so hard, I knew it affected Jasper. Though, I was able to push her away from me and leave without harming her, I couldnt help all the thoughts invading my mind. What if Bella hurts herself when its just us? Would I be able to stop myself or would I drain the only woman I had ever loved?

I couldnt risk this happening. I couldnt put Bella in danger again, so I convinced my family and myself that it was best that we leave. Bella's safety was more important than our happiness, she deserved to be protected. 

And that's how I ended up here, in Rio de Janiero, Brazil. After leaving the only thing that made life worth living, I had seperated myself from the rest of my family and much of the world, only coming out to feed. I had sacrificed my happiness, so that Bella could live and be happy, but there was many times when I had almost given up and raced straight back to Forks, to beg for her forgiveness and for her to look at me with those gorgeous brown eyes of hers filled with love and embrace me with her delicious scent and warm body. I wanted so badly just to call her and tell her how much I love her. How the stars at night pale in comparison to the beauty she beholds. So many things I wish to tell her, but I know that I cant. Not now...not ever.

I always feel like Somebody's watching me

Alice's ringtone sounded out, filling in the silence of my room. I had cut off all communications with my family. If ever I talked to them, it was because they called me, never the other way around.