What I've Been Living For

Chapter Two: Where do I begin?

"To die is poignantly bitter, but the idea of having to die without having lived is unbearable" Erich Fromm

I guess in order to tell my story, I first have to tell you how I ended up in a random alleyway in Jacksonville, Florida.

It begins just after the Cullens left. I was broken. I couldnt eat. I couldnt sleep. I couldnt breath without a constant pain going thought my heart. All I could do was sit there, locked away in my room, thinking over  and over again about how they left me. How he left me.

It's like my body couldnt process it, like it couldnt accept the fact that they were gone and left me behind. We're they even real? Was anything we had real or was it just them pitying me; poor, naive, clumsy and plain Bella.

I became numb to everyone and everything. I learned that if I cut off my emotions than I couldnt feel pain. I couldnt feel depressed, betrayed, hurt, and unloved. I would feel nothing. And once I cut off my emotions, I was slowly starting to lose myself. Though I had saved myself from the pain of feeling unworthy of something so perfect, I had lost the one thing that kept me from becoming insane. 

Without the pain in my heart, I could filter through my memories of them, beliveing that they were still here and that they still cared about me. That he still loved me. I was slowly losing my grip on reality and just when I thought I would hit the bottom, Jacob came and brought life and warmth in my cold, lonely world. 

It was like he was the sun breaking through the storm clouds, bringing life to a world that had died so long ago. He made me feel good, feel special. He made me feel alive again. When I was with him, it was like the pain in my heart disappeared and I could finally breathe again.  Of course it wasn't like i was completely fixed, but it was close enough. It was like putting makeup to cover up a scar or a blemish. You could cover it but as soon as you wipe away the make up, it's still there.

That's how it was with me and Jacob, but eventually even he couldnt cover it up completely. He soon abandoned me to hang out with Sam and his gang at La Push. He was leaving me just like Edward, just like the Cullens but I would fight for him. I lost Edward, but I would fight for him. I lost Edward, but i couldnt lose Jacob. I just couldnt.

So I confronted the guys at La Push and discovered that they were werewolves or shifters. Apparently it was a bloodline thing in the Quilletes.After that i thought things could go back to normal, but life decided differently.

Due to my love of vampires and  my reckless behavior, I wasnt allowed at La Push. I wasnt good enought to hang around them. Jacob tried to fight against them but after they caught Laureant in the meadow with me, even he turned on me. He gave up on me.*

*Flashback*

"I can't keep doing this Bella! I cant keep trying to save and fix you!" Jacob said

"Well stop! I never asked you to fix me. I didnt ask you to save me! You're suppose to be my friend Jacob"

"Of course not! You didnt want to be saved from your precious bloodsuckers! Even after everything they did to you, you still try to be one of them! My god Bella, that's pathetic. You're pathetic!"

His words hit me harder than any punch ever could. Not even, the bite from James could compare to this sinking feeling beginning to form in my heart again. He thinks i  was trying to become a vampire? He thinks I still want to be one of them, to live forever?

How could I want an endless life, when I'm struggling to live this one. Tears formed in my eyes and the hole that had disappeared slowly began to form again with a vengance.