Dear Counselor: My Story.

Letter One

Alexis Poniewierski

1:19 P.M

4/11/2016

I am writing this to kind of, explain how I've been feeling lately I guess. I don't know how to feel- sad or angry. Or both, because I'd rather feel one instead of two, because when it's both it feels difficult to breathe.

It's hard to put what I feel into words- but I guess I can try the best I can.

I am a girl who puts on a strong demeanor- or whatever it's called. I act tough, I act rough. I act strong. But deep down I am a fragile, broken girl. I had a terrible childhood- I developed depression at an early age and ever since then I have been fighting it since.

I feel like I'm in an endless, black abyss with no ending. Everything is blurring past my face and each time my stomach drops I feel sick. Going out is hard- going to school is hard. But dealing with my depression is harder.

Sometimes I wonder if people genuinely understand because most of the time it's as if they do not. I feel alone. I feel worthless and I feel as if I have no meaning. I know, I'm probably going to be told I'm not alone and that I'm not worthless and that I have meaning. But despite what is said, until my pain goes away, I will feel that way for a long time.

My depression and anxiety are the worst things I could have ever developed. I constantly ask, "why me?" because it is so unfortunate that I had to be one of those people suffering and fighting this lifelong battle in their head.

I'm tired of feeling this way, and I'm tired of being weak. I tell myself I'm going to go for a walk, or I'm going to start exercising or that I'm going to get a full night's rest. I tell myself all these things because maybe it'll help to become hopeful, and maybe it'll help me get motivated to do it because it's honestly something I want to do. The only issue now is the fact that I have no motivation. I don't have motivation to get up. If I could sleep in bed all day, I would. If I could just stop having to stress out, whracking my brain for possible answers as to why I am not happy anymore, I would.

I can't remember the last time I was overwhelmingly happy. Or just happy in general. I love my Mom for trying to make me smile sometimes, and I appreciate it. But for some reason I just can't and I wish I could because her and my family would love to see me enjoy a day every once in awhile without getting sad, or angry.

It seems like my Dad is caring about me less and less, yes I've been an emotional mess and have drifted from visiting him, but my head is such a mess and I just don't want to take my emotional state there. I have bawled my eyes out next to him and he just... ignored me. It hurt, it hurt me a lot. Why did it hurt? Because I'm supposed to be Daddy's Little Girl, I'm supposed to be Daddy's Princess. But I don't think I'm those things anymore and I have begun to learn that accepting things no matter how hard they are is the best thing for me to do.

He's so wrapped up in his own life, what if I'm older? I get married? Will he be there and give me the daddy-daughter dance? Will he even be there to walk me down the aisle?

My Mom will always be here, and I'm glad she is. My papa's health is declining and that hurts, too. He's the best Papa I've ever had even though we disagree almost all of the time. But I want him to be around when I get married and have children. I want him to be proud of me- but he can't be proud of me right now because my emotional status is currently CRAP.

I am drowning in an endless abyss, and every piece of me is a shattered piece of broken glass. I am fragile. I am just as alone as the moon without the stars and the Sun without it's sky. I don't know how to feel about anything anymore.

If I was legal age to drink, maybe I'd get drunk. If I was able to take the taste of pain from my lips I would. That's all I taste, and that's all I feel. I have grown so accustomed to the taste of fear and pain that I never grew accustomed to the unfortunate bitter, sad taste of happiness. I don't think I want to- because whenever I'm even in a good mood something comes and waltz's by and ruins it for me. It's an endless cycle so I don't know why I continuously try to even get a lick of what happiness is. I forgot what it was and I want to be happy sometime, I just fear it. I fear being happy and then ending up emotionally screwed up because my world crashes on me and leaves my weak body in a pile of sad rubble. I feel stabbed in the back, I feel as if I have been shot in the gut. Do I know why? No, I don't. But what I do know is that this feeling is beyond my control and I don't want to be depressed anymore.

It's a constant war going on in my head where I am a single soldier and the enemy is a thousand strong soldiers pushing me down but I am trying SO HARD to push against them and rise up and win this. But I can't. I shouldn't have to deal with this. I am sixteen years old dealing with a war a child is so unfortunate to have to battle. Some of us are strongers than others- and some of us are beyond weak. Some people could win, but it doesn't matter what they do or how they do it- that war has buried itself within the brain cells and made a five star home out of it.