Alexis Poniewierski
5/2/2016
1:32 AM
Once again, typing out how I feel has been a challenge. I spent most of the week babysitting my half-brother. I haven't had time to myself, he's 11 months old.
I went to my psychologist appointment Wednesday, but couldn't get talked to because my Mom or my Dad was not with me. My Dad was in Pennsylvania with my Step-Mom and my Mom was at work.
I had walked out of the building, and sat against the brick wall and bawled talking to my Mom, and then my boyfriend on the phone.
I wanted to go home- but even now that I am "home", it doesn't feel like home whatsoever.
I feel like I'm getting physically sick- not just because of my depression, but literally sick. I'm having an insomnia-type night tonight. I can't sleep. I'm scared to sleep.
It's so difficult- to breathe when I'm consistently being weighed down by the world around me. I wouldn't even be having a bad day, like nothing bad would happen. However, I'd still be sad. I'd still be trying to desperately dig myself out of my hole, destroying the pads on my fingers and getting mud in my fingernails. It feels like I am digging so hard my fingers and toes are bleeding from desperately trying to escape this harsh reality called a "hole". I am constantly hitting rocks, and even if I get close to the top, I just fall back in.
This letter is unfortunately going to be short, because frankly I don't have too much energy to continue this letter. As I said previously, it's not that I haven't been having mental and emotional breakdowns. I have, it's just the energy loss. I haven't been able to type much. At this point, it's just an everyday thing.
I'll keep you updated, Dear Counselor.
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