Dear Counselor: My Story.

Letter Seven: Two Days Later

Alexis Poniewierski

2:33 PM

4/15/2016

Today is difficult. I didn't write a letter yesterday because I felt emotionally weak. I didn't have the energy to write a damn thing. I helped my Grandma sweep up grass and leaves off of the sidewalk to keep it clean. I didn't even have the energy to get out of my pajama pants and pajama shirts.

I didn't bother putting a bra on. I didn't have the energy to put shoes on. I was simply reluctant to even go out there to help. But she needed the help, and I forced myself to help even if it became hard for me to get up and do something.

I usually sit on my laptop- or my phone and listen to music. It helps me cope with the world outside of the internet. Many people think it's a teenager thing- but I do it too often. Going outside is hard for me. I haven't gone for a walk since I was in the mood to go for one. But my body and mind told me no.

It's a hard battle- I seem to be failing everyday. I am a failure. Is that what people see me as? A failure? I feel like I am one, so maybe when I look in the mirror and see failure, that's what people see me. As what I see myself in the mirror.

I care too much and I shouldn't care at all. Ya know? I shouldn't have to give a shit about people who don't care about me. But, I have too big of a heart. If I were to block someone on Facebook, I unblock them a few minutes later. Why do I do this? Because some people, no matter how bad it hurts, I can't live without them.

You can hurt me a thousand times. Over and over, and I would still get on my knees and BEG you to stay in my life. I don't know how I can do it. But I guess I'm just that type of person.

People sicken me. They really do- except there are a few exceptions. With me, anyway.

The memories had with people that hurt me, hurt the most. Who knows, walking the boardwalk? A kiss? A nice conversation? Even if they're stupid memories to other people, they mean so god damn much to me and yet I can't push the bad people out of my life and I don't know why.

I hate how I feel.  I would give anything to take all I've done back. I know the words, "I'm sorry," doesn't always work. But I can't keep pretending everything is all right. Because it's not, and if it was easier to say these words in person maybe I'd be outstanding at button poetry, or speeches. But, I unfortunately do not have that, "I DON'T HAVE ANXIETY!" trait. Or the trait to explain how I feel with words outside from typing.

I feel sick. Mentally, emotionally, physically... I feel sick.  I can't stop myself from feeling this way. Nothing, NOTHING gives me motivation to go and do something that has the slightest chance of making ME HAPPY.

Nothing does. I can't help it.