Alexis Poniewierski
9:34 PM
4/11/2016
I'm feeling down again. I don't know why. I was okay for a little while. Just okay... not happy, not angry or sad. I was just okay. And now I'm not. I'm emotionally and mentally weak, and tired. However, my physical body will not relax. I'm losing sleep- I feel sick. I feel physically sick.
I don't know if this is normal, but I grew accustomed to it over the years. I feel alone. I feel lonely. I feel like I am in a single room, with no doors, and no windows. It's dark and I'm alone in the center of the room staring at the walls I can barely see because it's dark. There is no sunlight. There is no moonlight, either.
I listen to music so I don't feel as alone. So I don't feel lonely for a temporary time. So I don't understand why when the music stops and the words stop being spoken I feel broken inside again, and I feel lonely. Shouldn't it be okay, even if it's temporary? Shouldn't I be fine?
But I'm not fine. I'm lonely. I am sad.
I don't know why I say I hate being alone- because I don't like being around people. Maybe it's because I am not only struggling with depression but with anxiety as well. I want to be held but I don't want to be touched. I want to be told it will be okay, but I know it won't be. Sometimes my depression goes away, but why does it come back with a punch in the face? A shot in the gut? A stab in the heart? Why these things and plenty more?
Why does it hurt so bad? Why does my head hurt because I overthink and why does my heart hurt because I care too much and for too long and waste my breath on those who do not DESERVE ME.
Why do I let people walk all over me? They never help me, but I help them. I have too big of a heart and this is where it gets me.
Not saying that is the complete reason I'm so screwed up. I feel like a freak. Sometimes, I believe I am one. Sometimes I wonder how people think of me, outside of my own mind. Sometimes I wonder if anyone sees my inner worth. Who knows, nobody probably does.
I can't even go to school without freaking out, or melting down. I hate going out in public because I feel ugly. I hate talking to strangers because I'm scared of them. What if they end up my best friend? And then they drag me down even more than I am? I don't know if I can be dragged down even more than I currently am.
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