Dear Counselor: My Story.

Letter Ten

Alexis Poniewierski

7:22 PM

4/18/2016

I don't know what to feel.

I can't think. It seems difficult to keep a conversation going. I feel like I'm being choked by an unseen force that has a plan to destroy me even more than I already am. But I keep asking myself if that is even possible.

I am struggling. Everyday, I am cutting thick vines through an unending forest with my hands. I'm getting thorns from those vines- not in my hand; but in my heart.

I wish it would be okay, but I don't know why it isn't.

I am friendly, but shy. I actually took a personality test and found out I was an, "ISFJ," Which stands for Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, Judging.

It said I was 69% Introverted, which means shy.

But I used to never be so shy, so maybe I can say it's more-so anxiety.

I wish things were more easier. I wish I had friends, but I hate making new ones.

I wish I could still long board, but my long board was stolen. Over the weekend I was with my boyfriend, and I rode his bike and he long boarded. We baby sat an adorable autistic child. He only listened to me,  and when I told his Mom that he didn't listen to my boyfriend (considering my boyfriend is his cousin), his Mom said, "he let you into his world."

I didn't know how to feel about that- I still don't.

Ugh, I just wish I was in a decent condition whether it just be okay, or something.

I'm finishing up my application for online schooling, since they're still accepting enrollments even though it's the end of the school year. But it's better than facing being kicked out for my mental state.

I feel like people think I'm crazy. But I'm not, I'm just a teenager still not accustomed to the feeling of dark sadness every day, even though I've been struggling with it for five years. I don't think I'll ever understand it.

I feel like I'm dead. On the inside, at least. Like I'm staring into a black hole that is sucking me in but not pulling me in. Just leaving me with that miserable feeling of being sucked into something I don't want to be. But maybe it's representing my battle against depression.

Yes, people have it worse than me. I'm not asking for sympathy. I'm asking for this to stop. For me to be depression free for once and anxiety free for even a day. I hide behind the shadow. I stay inside. There's nothing to do where I live. I want to apply for jobs. I've been planning on job hunting since last week.

I still didn't have the motivation to ask for a ride, or to go and walk to places to pick up applications and to speak with the managers.

I'm so stupid, aha. I keep telling myself I'm going to do this, this, and that, and look at me? I still haven't done it.

For some reason I'm constantly shaking. I don't know why, it's usually in my hands and arms, as well as my fingers so typing or texting is becoming a problem. I'm not shaking to the point to where I can't spell a damn thing, but it seems hard for me to let words spill out within my fingertips.

I feel alone. I have two online friends, but they are administrators to a page. One is about twenty three years old, the other twenty eight. They're both females, and they have been supporting me through all of this. I may actually be an administrator for their page by May 1st. They told me to take the personality tests- and they understand what I'm going through.

They both said they see an, "old soul," within me. Which they said means I have a higher age mentality than my physical age group. I think that's true.

I'm more focused about my future and what I will be doing with it. Which is why I can't do public schooling anymore. 

What hurt before is the fact my Mom had said on Saturday, that, "if you were smart you'd be able to go to school."

I'm not at school, not because I'm not intelligent in any way, but because I cannot handle p e o p l e.

I can't. I mentally, emotionally and physically can't. If I could enter a laughing mixed with a crying face right here, I would. But unfortunately I can't do such with a keyboard beneath my hands, so I just have to deal.

I'm almost  done setting up for online schooling. Which I guess is a good thing- but where is my feeling of accomplishment?

The fact I am working and stressing over restarting high school over just so I can get my high school diploma? I want a future- a nice home, a career I enjoy, a marriage, a family.

So, it's necessary that I do this. I even messaged my Dad about how I'm already almost done with my enrollment process. He doesn't seem proud, so I am sitting here wondering what the fuck I did to deserve this?

He tells me he wants me to talk to him, but he doesn't keep the conversation going or even attempts to. I don't know if it's because he has the same things I'm struggling with, but he used to talk to me all of the time.

If I were to go two weeks without saying a word to him, he wouldn't say a word to me.

I apologize if my letters seem scattered and everywhere. These are letters to explain how I am feeling, so I guess my mind is scattered and maybe that's why I can't find the happy part of the mess.